Family tragedy

On Christmas Eve, I came home from work to some tragic news. My son, who had just arrived from his home in Chicago, told me that I had better sit down, that he had some very sad news. I thought he was going to tell me that he had been diagnosed with cancer. The truth was that we lost my great nephew, my husband's brother's grandson, my niece's son. He was 21 years old and lost his life on Dec 23. The life of his family and friends changed forever. This tragedy certainly took my mind off the loss of my mother. My husband and I drove to the visitation on Tuesday evening and my husband and all the adult children and spouses went to the memorial service on Wednesday. My brother in law said that he was angry, kids showing off. Life can change in an instant. My friend was angry too, because I wouldn't drive her somewhere. She angrily said, And I thought we were friends!" I told her that we have been friends since she was in high school and that I was friends with her parents too. It appears to me that I am considered a friend only if I do exactly what she wants. Another friend is doing what she wants. She told me yesterday that she needs a guardian so that she does not have to make decisions. I didn't know that she wanted someone to make decisions for her. I wrongly assumed that she yearned to be independent. I am planning on a quiet evening, need to come to terms with all the changes in my life this year. Hoping and praying for a healthy, happy prosperous 2017 for all.

Hungry friend

I don't have to look very far to find people that could use help. My friend has been complaining that she is hunngry. She is a neglected, forgotten person. No one wants to take her in. I feel badly, both because I can't offer her a place in our home and because she is hungry. How can I eat when I know she is not getting enough food? I think of the rich man and Lazarus. Has my time on earth been spent living comfortably and ignoring those who are in desperate need? I really can't live with myself unless I do something about my friend. Today she is scrounging up enough money to buy a salad at her day program. Tomorrow I hope to go to her club and purchase a meal card for her. It is a slippery slope because her thinking is strange and she has no concept of money. I worry about her in the group home and am praying that she can secure a placement where she will be happy.

A Productive Day

Since our daughters arrive on Monday, I went downstairs and brought up the Christmas decorations. The tree lights twinkle and the ornaments shimmer. Underneath the tree, rabbits and cats lay peacefully. The Nativity is up--the Holy Family, shepherds, wisemen, musicians, village children, fox, dogs, cats and kittens, geese, chickens, a horse, all visiting the newborn king. The winter village houses and the inhabitants sit on the mantle this year. It is very cold here, so hopefully the cold will abate some, and I can put the outside lights up. After work, we went to the mall and picked up a few more gifts and I wrapped them. Of course, I need to head out and find a few gifts for my very thoughtful husband. He took my car and installed a new battery. I cried when I came into work and found that the store manager had left a Christmas gift for me. I was touched by her thoughtfulness. I read that a young mother had an accident in Washington State. The roads were icy and she flew off and crashed into a tree. The minivan burst into flames. Though severely wounded she struggled to free her 3 year old and 5 month old, but the two girls died. My own struggle with the loss of my mother makes world sadness that much more intense. I grieve for this family. My daughter's high school friend lost his mother and father a few days ago in a horrible pile up on the expressway. 36 families are grieving the loss of their loved ones in the Ghost Ship in California. And countless people are mourning the deaths of the Brazilian soccer team. Innundated with so much grief, it is hard to celebrate Christmas. There is sorrow in my eyes. I will honor those who lost their lives and their loved ones with thoughts and prayers.

Christmas cards mailed

Well, kudos to me. I got the Christmas cards addressed, signed and mailed. Probably, one of the most difficult activities of the Christmas season. I wished my siblings "peace" as I know they are going through a difficult time. Also, I decided to send all my nieces and nephews cards, as a random act of kindness. I really don't expect anything back from them. For the 10th time, I have lost my cell phone. St. Anthony must be so tired of searching for my missing items. "St Anthony, St Anthony, please look around. For the 10th time, my cell phone is lost and needs to be found." I had it Sunday morning, but haven't seen it since. And now calls go directly to voice mail, so I fear it is buried under the 8" of Christmas snow that covers the city. I took my secret Santa gift to the store yesterday. I will probably miss the cookout as I am at the satellite store, unless someone makes me a plate. Two daughters arrive next Monday. My husband and I had taken our grand rabbit to the vet. She got an antibiotic for an upper respiratory infection. The vet told me that she should have been spayed because rabbits have intense hormones which cause uterine cancer. I gave her the medicine on Friday. Was shocked to go into her room and see her on her side, near her litter. My husband buried her by the lilac bush which is now blanketed in snow. Such a very difficult day.

Difficult Day

Today a customer came in who lost her husband last New Year's Eve. We agreed that surviving the holidays after losing a husband or mother is extremely difficult. She doesn't want to think about Christmas, so she is going on a cruise for a week. Christmas was on my mind all day. I addressed some envelopes and signed Christmas cards. My dad called and told me that my brother planned on putting the wreath at the cemetery tomorrow. He is trying to avoid the snow on Sunday. I had planned to decorate the wreath myself, but because my dad needs it as soon as possible, I had to purchase one that was already decorated. I took it to my dad's and wired it to the easel. Rosa, my dad's geriatric border collie, had a stroke. A difficult day, with lots of triggers and many tears.

Getting through the holidays

During Advent, I am hoping to do random acts of kindness and to keep a record of them. My work activities do not count, but kind acts for people and animals do. These acts of kindness will "pad the manger," so to speak. The skies have been overcast the last few days. Perhaps, because of the gloom, or that carols were coming out of the car speaker, I had a rough start at work. I researched articles about getting through the holidays. I read that people think about the deceased in a way that they remember, which probably isn't how the person really was in life. The thought comforted me. Laughing, joking, playing games with my mother, repeating little rituals. I knew as tears fell that I needed to get busy, to distract myself. I need to grieve also, but not at work. So I checked all the arrangements and flowers and changed the water. When my back began to hurt, I sat down for a while.

Trying to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas

Talked to my brother today and he said that yesterday was very dfficult for him. Commented that with the busyness of chores for our mother's funeral, he didn't have time to grieve. He mentioned that he was glad that Thanksgiving dinner was at my sister's house. He told me that my cousin had passed away. We are waiting on memorial arrangements for her. Dinner at our house was just what we needed, relaxing, good food and company. I took the dogs for a long walk before dinner, through the loop trail, around the marsh, through the neighborhood, across the soccer field and back home. They enjoyed it, since they did not walk the day before. It was rainy and bone chilling cold. My daughter and her husband are expecting their first baby the first of June. Excited and sad becauuse Mother will not see the baby. Exactly as when our youngest daughter was born and my husband's mother had passed away just six weeks prior. I am trying to enjoy the Christmas season (although grief comes in waves), to make it special in the wake of my mother's death.

More At Peace

After attending the conversation on Wednesday and following the counselor's advice, I am more at peace. I made my husband's favorite chicken and biscuits and a pineapple turnover cake for dessert on Wednesday. On Thursday, homemade cheesy macaroni and on Friday, burgers. My husband shopped this morning for groceries, including the items we need for our Thanksgiving. My dad bought us a turkey. It was kind of him, and I am most grateful. I received an email that the headstone had been placed in the cemetery. The email mentioned the wrong cemetery but I called the company and all is well. I believe it is hard for people "to get over it" when dealing with a huge disappointment or the death of a family member or friend.

I'm a trainwreck

Yesterday morning the sun shone. I grabbed a hand towel(cause I was sad) and headed out to talk to someone about my issues. I realized as I got to the meeting place and greeted and chatted with people there, that part of my problem is being alone, not surrounding myself with other people. I work 4 days alone at the flower shop and spend one day off alone. My husband removes his "ears" when he is home and wears a headset, so it is very difficult to communicate with him. Though I was crying on the way, I did not cry while I was talking. He did give me a very real way to deal with my worries and concerns. As far as the other one, I need to let it go. Remember, mulling about it "serves no useful purpose." I already tried the solution and hope it provides a lifeline. He also said that he just lost his brother-in-law and was feeling extremely tired. And certaily the physical aspect is contributing--the jangling nerves, the dull headache. I am so looking forward to roasting a turkey and all the trimmings on Thursday. And if I feel closed in, I can take the dogs for a walk. We crackle through the leaves, sometimes going up and down small hills in the woods. I like the woods when visibility is high, the leaves crunch or the snow falls gently. And I do like laughing and playing games with my husband and children--rummy cube or some other game. So this Thanksgiving will be exactly what I need, so very different from our usual reunion with my husband's family. It is close to the angel-versary of the little 5 year old boy who lost his battle with DIPG. In his honor, I am going to do at least 5 acts of kindness. The holiday preview sale is this Saturday. Folks can buy gifts, enjoy treats and enter for doorprizes. Maui and Pudge in the tub after greeting a black and white striped "kitty."

Gentleness with others

Since half the country is mourning, I am treating every one with kid gloves, that is to say, very gently. I am trying my best to be patient, kind, considerate, helpful. The flower shop has been extremely busy. A woman bought two Norfolk pine trees and an arrangement to put on a table for a backyard wedding. Another woman chose some fleece slippers "Fleece Navidad" as a non-traditional get well gift. A man ordered two fall themed arrangements for a birthday party. Yet it's sad because I took several funeral orders for a 15 year old who fell 7 stories to his death and an order for an arrangement for my husband's friend who died from cancer. His funeral is tomorrow. I sent my sister a birthday card and small monetary gift. I want to stay home for Thanksgiving this year. I'd like to make dinner for my immediate family. Usually we spend Thanksgiving with my husband's family, but this year his brother and family are traveling to another state to see the new baby. After my mother's passing, I need to be comfortable and peaceful and I believe my own home is the best place to be.

Election over

Such a divided country! I'm sure the forefathers never dreamed that the two-party system would cause such hatred and differences of opinion. It's time to stop prejudice, judgements, bigotry, injustice, hatred, fear. We need to hold politicians accountable. We must write and call those people in power. I read comments on posts very rarely because I find that most comments are not based on fact. And I become upset with name calling. Name calling, hatred, bullying runs wild on the internet because the writer is unseen. It's a depressing day though the sun is shining. Lots of tears. Hope, too, I suppose, because people are coming forward to support and affirm.

Sioux Dakota Pipeline facebook

I have been studying the North Dakota Access Pipeline situation--the 1300 long pipeline that will take oil from the Bekker oilfields near Canada to a plant in Illinois. As you know, the Sioux are protesting the building of the pipeline, citing that it desecrates hallowed burial grounds and that it violates the sacred waters of the Missouri River. 140 protesters have been arrested and some have been hit with rubber bullets, beanbags and pepper spray. The route of the pipeline was rerouted from Bismarck, the capitol of North Dakota, closer to the Sioux nation. I have been trying to learn all that I can and to back up information with facts. A digression for a moment. I live by both an elementary and middle school. For several summers, including the 2016 season, construction has taken place at the schools. Heavy trucks thundered by, the engines roared the "beep, beep, beep" of heavy equipment sounded from early morning til late afternoon. And this summer, the paths were turn up, heavy machinery raced by, the grass was dug up and became mud, the beautiful serene fields became an unsightly quagmire. The construction lasted from March until October. My sense of peace went out the window. So, then I empathize with the Sioux nation and I want the People to be treated justly. Bernie Sanders wrote an open letter to President Obama asking for his intervention. The two presidential hopefuls have turned their back to the cries of the Sioux. People are standing with the Sioux people on facebook. A bus and two vans are headed to the reservation from Minnesota. Mark Ruffalo, a handsome actor, gave the people mobile solar panels. I am writing, spreading the word. It's very little, isn't it. Check out Sioux Dakota Pipeline facebook.

Taking care of the earth

Because of my friend's inability to live by herself and get along with her housemates, she is miserable. She is emotionally immature. Perhaps if she attended relationship classes, she would learn how to get along with people. She says that this house manager is worse than all the other managers. After a lot of prayer, I managed to vote on the partisan part of the ballot. It was difficult for me and when my husband found out that I hadn't mailed in my ballot yet, he wanted to know why. I delayed hoping for divine inspiration and I am now at peace. I stopped at the post office to get stamps so that I could mail it. Only one more week until the national election. Someone online suggested that people abstain from voting. This scares me as a small percentage could elect the officials if people abstain from voting. Was reading about the situation at Standing Rock. Today though a friend posted that a golden eagle landed and people were able to pet him. An omen for sure. It worries me that the pipes are going under the Missouri River and that eventually they will leak, contaminating the water. Another Flint, Michigan in the making. How does one fight against big corporations and big money? What to do with all the buildings, amusement parks, islands that were once used but are not abandoned? Seems to me that if possible the buildings be reused or the land be returned to its natural state.

Unhappy friend

My friend was crying on the phone. Said the house manager told her to "Get out here!" and asked her if she had turned up the heat in the house. She is miserable. I have to work all this week and through next Monday, so I can't drive to the day program she attends but need to call staff. I wish she could have adjusted to the 24K apartment. It's so sad that she was asked to leave and is now living in this group home. She and the house manager push each other's buttons. She has no other alternative, but to live in this setting where she is desperately unhappy. She can't live with her cousin or with me. She has too many issues. Such a sad situation. I enjoyed my day off today. My husbnd and I went to several stores and bought a few Christmas gifts. We had to purchase a new printer because our printer was damaged in the power surge. The washer worked fine for a couple loads, but will not work now. My husband, son and I went to a Japanese restaurant and had sushi. Delicious! I am trying to be patient with my husband, and give him attention. I figure it will dust the cobwebs from his mind. It's hard because I forget that it takes time for him to process. I need to work on remembering.

Getting on track

I spent my days off, Tuesday and Wednesday, home waiting for repair techs. On Tuesday, the oven tech came and ordered the part a board that controls the timer and oven. On Wednesday, the furnace tech came and replaced the transformer in the furnace. He said, that since the furnace is 20 years old, that we need to get a carbon monoxide detector in case it malfunctions. The garage door tech came and replaced the circuit board in the garage door opener. I was aggravated that I had to stay home, but realized that repair techs only work Monday thru Friday, and since I have weekdays off, it is my job to stay home and wait for them. My husband, daughter and I drove to the department store and bought a carbon monoxide, smoke alarm combo, Halloween candy, chips and a Halloween costume for our daughter. Every year, we drive to a nearby city for my husband's family reunion on Thanksgiving. This year his brother and all the family are heading to another state to visit with my nephew, his wife and their new baby. His other brother and wife are staying home and his two cousins already have plans. My daughter wants to bring her new puppy, so it looks like it will be immediate family this year. Very different, but then perhaps it will disguise "the open chair." We won't miss my Mother as much. On All Saints, a holy day, Dad and I are going to our church for Mass and a special remembrance service. After the homily, immediate family will light a candle in memory of their loved one. I did not walk the dogs yesterday because it was bone chilling cold and wet. I did manage to walk 10,000 steps today. Trying to get back on track after the last few months. I aim to be in shape by Jan 11, the day of my annual doctor appointment. AJ in a box.

Halloween Decorations

Warm, sunny day yesterday, so I worked outside decorating for Halloween. I stuffed Henry, the pumpkin man's sweatshirt and pants and assembled him on his chair. He is drinking Pepsi. He has a few friends....Count Dracula, Green Witch and her friendly Green Cat, and Skeleton Rapper. Everyone is friendly and should not scare the children when they come to Trick or Treat. I sent my uncle a Halloween Card. On the outside, "How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? and on the inside "With a pumpkin patch!" Hope it makes him smile! I am not riding the next two Tuesdays...tomorrow the oven repair tech is coming and the following Tuesday I work for the branch manager who is going on vacation. I am getting shorter and slower, so even as I attempt to improve in martial arts, my body is saying no. So I have decided to quit martial arts. I have been around positive, affirming people and that keeps my spirit steady.

Electrical fire

Ali cat could not eat and was nauseated, a vicious cycle, so my daughter and I decided it was time for her to go across the rainbow bridge. I took her to the clinic and cuddled her while the doctor gave her the medicine to help her into a forever sleep. She was very peaceful. This morning at 4am, I was awakened by the hum of a transformer and two loud pops. Not usual house noises. I was wide awake, listening, realized the power had gone out. When my husband reset the circuit breakers, the power surge caused a power strip to flame and burn, melting the plastic shelves it was sitting on. I ran downstairs to tell him to turn off the power while my daughter unplugged the power strip. Very scary. We called an electrician, but the problem was not with the house, but with the power company. The power company had to replace two cables from the pole to our house and to our next door neighbor's home. Before they could replace the cables, they had to trim or take down a tree. It was an all day job, finally finished at 6:30pm. I am so grateful for the line workers. I don't know what would have caused the problem with the two lines. We reset the circuit breakers and so far all appears well except for the oven and furnace which will not work and were damaged by the power surge.

"Bending"

I am trying hard to pull myself together. One loss after another. My uncle, my 90 year old friend who owned the flower shop, my mother, my daughter's friend's grandother, and my very sick cat. Today I was trying to hang a towel on the tub shower rod and as I stepped down, I fell on the wet tile. I bruised the side of my knee and it hurts. Wishing that I could be with extended family and not get upset, because the estrangement causes me to be sad. Hoping that my adult children's hopes and dreams will come to fruition. I need to get back on track and it's difficult. So after several months of not eating well or exercising, I am going to try to eat better (fruits, vegetables, fish and lean meat) and walk 10,000 steps. I will not be continuing in martial arts. I can't do it, and I have to let the instructors know. My dad finally told us what time to be at his house to eat with him on Tuesday. We got to the house and he was making a snack because he thought we weren't coming. I rode my horse yesterday morning. We worked on "bending" where the horse's head and rib cage is tilted to the inside. I have to multi-task, pull the inside rein back, keep the outside rein in the correct position, use the inside leg to press and release against the horse's ribs. I could barely put pressure on with my left leg, but did better with my dominant right leg. Not sure I can learn this well enough for the walk and trot tests next summer. I watch my friend canter and work on making the horse bend, and feel like I'm so far behind. Seems like my coworker is sad because she is missing her "bestest coworkers" and had a bad day at work. She was sick on Monday and I told her it was a "mad moon Monday" and that I missed her.

My sick cat enjoyed the sun

My daughter's best friend's grandmother passed away yesterday. Ruth and her husband attended many school functions when my children were in elementary school. Both always had smiles and offered friendliness. My daughter and her friend have had rough months. My daughter lost her grandmother on Sept 3rd; her friend lost hers on October 16. I sent flowers from our family and will send a memorial contribution to her church. Today I took my sick cat outside in the sun. I sat in a chair and held her and she looked around with interest. Her coat became warm with the sun and she was with her other animal brothers and sister. She isn't eating at all in spite of the appetite enhancer. I don't think she will last much longer. One week tomorrow since we got the awful news. I am doing just okay. I do not get upset because I don't interact with those people that leave me crying and hurt. But when I limit my contacts like this, then I feel lonely. My friend suggested that we do something next week because she knows I use to spend Tuesday with my mother and she is offering an alternate activity. And my other friend is a mess because she contacted some agency about her house manager and hasn't heard back. I am tired of all her drama. Tomorrow I have a riding lesson, might stop at the plant nursery, walk the dogs, husband and I will have dinner with my Dad.I ate with my son in law's brother and his family last evening, and enjoyed the spaghetti and meatballs and chatting. Today my coworker called off and the first few hours of the store were busy with phone calls. I lost two sales, one because the casket spray was too expensive and the other because I assumed the customer wanted a loose wrap and forgot to offer him the roses in a vase.

Cat is very sick

Though we are feeding Ali, she is skin and bones. I will come home someday and she will be gone. This little grey kitty who would pounce on the window to announce that her brothers wanted in. It is so hard. Bad things come in threes or fours or fives. My uncle in July, my mother in September, my grey cat in October and now my daughter's friend's grandma is very ill and in the hospital. Today I worked with the branch manager at the little store. So fun to have someone to talk and work with. She understands why I want to surround myself with affirming, positive friends. Tomorrow we are going to have dinner with my daughter's sister and brother in law and their young son. I made some cookies for dessert. Most came out well, but I managed to burn some too.

Cat has kidney disease

Our cat is very sick. May or may not be cancer, but definitely a heart murmur and kidney disease. Decided to try some non invasive treatments--a sc shot to help with the dehydration but not so much that she would have congestive heart failure, a shot with pain reliever and vitamins, and renal cat foood. Ali is eating a bit and then resting. When she clamors for attention, I hold her and tell her what a beautiful cat she is. There was indication of kidney disease in December, and I believe it worsened since then. We are hoping and praying that she will get better. Losing a cat on top of my mother's death is too heartbreaking. Scary that my daughter said, bad things happen in threes. I contacted my friend and asked if I could bring the walker and her pan to her husband's office. I had to take the dogs for a walk, the office is on the way, so we walked. I enjoyed the walk, the nice day, being outside. I had another dream last night. I was in a hall with all my cousins on my mother's side of the family. I needed a lot of pens and pencils. There were a few on the table. Wonder what this dream means. I had one day of healthy eating, trying not to eat sugar, but with all the stress of a sick cat, gobbled a piece of cake and a good humor bar.

Bad dream

I woke up to a bad dream. In the dream, a couple with a baby and myself were running in a large parking lot toward a red and white passenger plane. We were going to miss the flight, but then the plane turned and idled in the parking lot, because the engine was not working properly. A mechanic checked it and said that it was fine, but I had to decide if I was boarding. The couple with the baby boarded and sat in the back. I was deliberating whether or not to board, knowing that the plane had engine trouble. I woke up before I could decide. I rode Casper today. His limp did not bother him much, but he was full of it. He got bored with walking, trotted like he was heading away from a fire. I had trouble keeping my elbows and arms still, and my feet properly in the stirrups. I wondered if the plane in the dream symbolized the horse, but there wasn't enough danger in riding, so I don't know. I made an appointment for Ali cat for this afternoon. I am slow roasting some beef for my husband, dad and me for dinner. On Tuesday afternoon, my husband, dad and I eat together.

Cat has cancer

I have been so busy with my mother's illness and funeral that I didn't notice that my Ali cat has lost lots of weight and is not eating. I don't think there is much that I can do. She is skeletal and has stopped rushing to the front door to let us know that her brothers want to be let in. I just assume that my poor kitty has feline leukemia or cancer. Doing all I can to love her and keep her comfortable. She had a close call last December with food and flea allergies and lived almost a year since. My husband enjoyed his birthday cookout and gifts--his hockey shirt with a player who has the same number as his age, a grill for camping and a framed photo of the college stadium, along with two funny cards. And today he got an e-card and the bowling team bought him a beer. Busy, busy at work. The time flew by. I am so glad to have my "weekend." Tomorrow and Wednesday off. Been trying to figure out how to save my outside plants through the winter. I don't know if I can pile leaves on the azaleas and mum plants so that they survive the cold, cold winter. I might drive to a nursery tomorrow to get suggestions. Yesterday my manager gave me a mum plant. My brother was helping my dad cut down a dead tree yesterday, so I offered it to him. It is hearty, should come back next year. My brother was quiet, just sent happy birthday wishes to my husband. He misses my mother too. On Sunday, my son and I drove to the the hospital chapel to attend Mass, but there was no Mass. So I had to drive to the church where we held my mother's funeral. I held it together until the last song, which we sang at her funeral, and then I became emotional. I am grateful that most Sundays I attend Mass at the hospital chapel. Not so many memories. I asked Dad about his meeting with the cemetery curator. The curator pointed out the head of the grave, which faces west. The monument will be place with the writing facing the foot. So relieved to know all is well.

Careful with people

A coworker was friendly today, but I don't trust the friendliness. She is a crocodile with a smile. She is constantly finding fault. I asked my husband if he wanted to go grocery shopping. Before we went to the store, we went to an inexpensive restaurant together. We bought the groceries for his birthday party tomorrow. He opened the trunk and when he saw my mother's walker, he said, "What is THAT doing there?" I felt that his tone of voice was critical. I told him that I had driven over to my friend's office, but she was not working that day because she was attending a funeral, and I would go back on Wednesday. He also saw that I had charged items at the flower shop and when I told him it was a birthday present for him, he said, "I don't need a truck with flowers in it." I would never consider getting him flowers because he wouldn't appreciate them. I can't be around people that are critical, demeaning and insensitive. I was telling a customer that I am most comfortable around animals, cats, dogs and horses because they can't talk. 5 weeks ago today, my mother died. Since then, I have had stomach pain, am so sensitive, I cry if someone says "boo, worry about my dad and eldest daughter, and can't get along with anyone because I get upset. Oh joy.

Lonely

It is not a new feeling, but my heart is lonely. Sometimes I feel like I should call or talk to my mother, before I realize that she is not here anymore. I am so grateful for friends that send sympathy cards, even now, because I know that my mother and I are not forgotten. Though I want to tell everyone that my mother died, I try to keep quiet, as my attention should be on the person and his or her concerns. The anniversary, the birthday, the new baby or sadly, the funeral. The person does not need me blathering on that my mother died. My friends invite me out to dinner or to go on an outing because they know my sould is sad. On a happier note, my husband's birthday is coming up and we are celebrating it on Sunday. We are having a cook out, so perhaps I'll go shopping this evening. We'll see what his plans are. My daughter bought him a small propane grill, my other daughter got him a shirt, and my son, youngest daughter and I purchased a black and white framed photo of the college football stadium. He wanted an old photo of the stadium. I hope he likes it. Hurricane Matthew has devastated Haiti and killed many people. I'm thankful for the organizations that are helping. 500,000 people in Florida are without power.

A Stressful Outing

I picked up my friend from her day program and drove to the grocery store. She borrowed a motorized cart and headed to the magazine section where she chose a puzzle book. I wanted to purchase crayons to go with the coloring book so we went to the back of the store. Stopped to check out needles in the craft section, but there weren't any that were suitable. I bought dog and cat food and then we went to the chip and pop section. And wouldn't you know, with all the room in the big store and all the stores in the city, my friend would bump right into her house manager. He gave her a bad time about everything... the motorized cart, the chips and the pop. She cried and cried. We then went to the restaurant and she decided on a cheeseburger, fries and diet coke. I know her house manager is right...a healthy diet is important, and perhaps next time we can buy healthy snacks and a healthy lunch. I really didn't need this encounter today. It's like the time another friend and I were discussing a coworker only to have the person in front of us recognize who we were talking about. Moral...keep mouth shut. I dropped my friend off, and headed to my husband's hearing aid appointment. I was 10 minutes late. I then had to go back to my friend's day program because I had driven off with her backpack. She seemed a bit more settled. Tonight she called and I guess she gave the house manager the beans, "You can control what I eat in the house, but when I am out, I am my own guardian and can choose what I want to eat." My friend and her house manager push each other's buttons.

Dad is upset

I went out to the farm today to ride. I saw on the whiteboard that I was riding Casper, the grey. Casper was out in the pasture, so I found a lead rope and took an apple piece and went to get him. I put on the halter and encouraged Casper to follow. He stood still and wouldn't budge. Didn't quite know what to do, but eventually he decided to move. He stood quietly while I groomed him, got a bit antsy as I saddled him. The first circuit around the arena was good, but during the second, he decided to wander. I had forgotten he did that. He has an uneven gait so my elbows were flying all over. Had to work to keep my hands up and elbows still. Toward the end of the lesson, I learned to use my inside leg to get the horse to "bend." Head tilted, rib cage in. It's hard work at a walk, can't imagine doing it at a trot, but it went well. I gave Casper carrots and apples and let him loose in the pasture. I went with two friends to the rural Cider Mill. I bought two kinds of apples, cider, cinnamon sugar donuts, and a coloring book for the little boy that we are seeing in a week or so. My husband and I drove to my Dad's house to make dinner and eat with him. Ham, sweet potatoes, corn, with candy for dessert. My dad couldn't sleep last night because he had stopped at the cemetery yesterday and is not sure that there is room for my mother's headstone. He plans to talk to the curator. I am hoping that my mother is buried in the proper lot. I had to call my friend and ask her if I could pick her up earlier. My husband asked me to go to his hearing aid appointment. She said the earlier time would be fine.

One month anniversary

Sept 3rd, the one month anniversary of my mother's death, the day she went to Heaven. I received a card from a friend that worked with me at the inn. On the cover, "I like to think of sunbeams as those we love, reaching down to remind us they are not very far at all," and inside, "To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die." by Thomas Campbell. My daughter's sister in law and brother in law invited us for dinner in a couple weeks. I tried very hard to write thank you notes that would touch those people who received them. This young woman is raising a very difficult 4 year old son and I hoped to encourage her. It is very sweet of her to make dinner so that I don't have to cook. Tomorrow I have a riding lesson and then a friend and I are going to the apple orchard. I am dreading Wednesday, the day that I am taking my friend to the restaurant and grocery store. We have been friends for 40 years, but I feel that the friendship is one-sided and that the friend is using me. I know she gets little allowance a week, but I still have trouble reconciling the money I spend. I am considering going to martial arts for a bit. I am afraid that if I don't start back soon, I never will return. But it is my mother's anniversary and I am super sensitive, and probably will not be able to handle the masters' corrections well. I need to be around people that accept me as I am at this moment. I made beef ribs for my dad, brother, husband, two of the adult children and me yesterday. They were delicious. My brother and I both sent thank yous to my mother's sister and brother. My brother seemed upset, saying almost the same thing my sister did, "You wrote them even though I marked them?" I forgot when I was looking at the card message for the flowers to check who was writing the note. But at least I didn't write a thank you to my brother's son. A note came from the education trust fund at our church, and even though I sent notes to all these people, I feel like I should write an acknowledgement of their memorial gifts.

Yearning for something

I was reading some old posts from early 2013. My mother was very sick that year with c-diff and a couple bedsores. One post particularily struck me as odd. The text, written 3 years ago, included most of the information that I included in her obituary. I had forgotten that I had written that piece and was shocked by the similarity to her obituary. A friend texted me "How are you doing?" I told her that I am super-sensitive and certain triggers remind me of my mom. She told me, "Be patient. Things will get better." Honestly, it's hard to see how my life will improve. The friend who lives in a group home doesn't converse, she talks about herself. I have to decide whether or not I want to continuue with martial arts. I don't trust certain people to be kind. They always seem frustrated and angry about something. I can't possibly be around them. I'm sure that is why I prefer my dogs, cats and horses. They are there to pet and offer comfort. I seem to be yearning for something and I can't seem to find it, because I can't determine what it is. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Dad said last night, "We miss mother." Yes, I miss her. Tomorrow we are making ribs and potatoes at my dad's and next Sunday we will grill to celebrate my husband's 71st birthday. His choice. The weather broke a bit, cloudy but no rain. I should be able to walk the dogs. Haven't been able to the last few days, because it rained. I am grateful for my husband and children, my job, my friends and extended family, my pets and my horses, and my faith. (notice, faith is rather an afterthought.)

Cloudy and rainy fall weather

I am in the process of writing thank you notes after my mother's death. My mother was one of 10 children so I have many aunts, uncles and cousins along with friends, coworkers and neighbors. My brother and sister helped; I have a dozen or so to go, but I am sure more memorial gifts will come in. My friend at the hospital said that she prayed when she was writing thank you notes after her mother's death, "Lord, you take care of the quality. I'll take care of the quantity." I'm sure the prayer helped especially with the notes to my daughter and son's friends. I wrote them from a different perspective. Otherwise, the notes would have been flat. I hope that there are not too many mistakes--names mispelled, forgotten gifts. I called my uncle yesterday to ask if any of his cousins had come. He couldn't think of any, but at the Mass someone said that she "remembered me wearing my mother's wedding dress." I am clueless, so I hope the Lord provides enlightenment. Rainly and gloomy here. A hot tea kind of day.

Need acceptance

Been running around all over this morning. First, I had to do some banking for my dad. Then drive 30 miles to get two letters from the post office. I had written thank you notes to my sister's and my mutual friends, and she wants to write them. So I picked mine up, shredded them and put them in the recycle. I filled the car with gas and picked up two racks of ribs from the meat department. I also purchased a new cranberry winter coat as the zipper in my ages-old coat is broken. Nice weatherproof coat, cranberry color, with a warm zippered insert and button outer layer with hood. Am home now, making white chili for lunch. Comforting on this rainy cold day, or it will be once it's done. I am abandoning my husband, and heading out to a restaurant with two friends later this evening. Dealing with difficult family members and friends has made me very sad. My mentally ill friend is self centered and focused only on herself. I feel that with regard to my sister, everything I do is wrong. For the past many years, she has found fault with most everything I do. My husband and his interests are #1 on his list. I need to be with friends who accept me for who I am, blemishes and all.

Debaucle

I wrote and mailed thank you notes to two friends that my sister and I have in common. She wants to write these notes, so I asked the post office to hold delivery. The thank you letters have not arrived to the post office yet, perhaps tomorrow. I had a terrible night, tears running down my face most of the dark hours. I was searching my brain, trying to think of someone I could use as a sounding board. I decided that I would stop at the branch flower shop and talk with my friend, the store manager, after my riding lesson. The lesson was difficult as I was on a new horse and he limps. My arms flew all over, my toes would not stay in the stirrup. I finally get it all together by the end of the lesson. I tried to buy a saddle, but it would fit the horse. I will put that idea on hold for now. I just wanted my own to save prep time as I have to roll the leather on the stirrup and it took my teacher and me four times to get it right. Rebecca and her horse Annaliese and Roberta and her horse Ciarra have appointments for their horses to be seen by a horse chiropractor. I will be using school horses, no desire to own my own horse. I had hoped that I would be cantering by now because I wanted to compete in test C next year. I am afraid that I will get lower scores and not place if I do the same tests next summer. I entered the store the same time as a customer (dressed in riding breeches and tee shirt). The customer wanted two pin on corsages. The branch manager suffers from arthritis, so I made them for the customer. After the customer left, the branch manager and I talked. She mentioned that everyone grieves differently, that some people feel guilty, that some people treat family closest to them the worst. I don't know, but I have certainly been treated badly by people that have low frustration levels. I make mistakes but do everything I can to make it right, such as driving to my post office and then to the post office where my friends live. Husband and I had dinner with my dad today. He and my sister had spent 12 hours at the doctor's office yesterday so that he could have an iron infusion. He enjoyed the visit, talking about his collection and golf. It warded off the loneliness for awhile. The picture is my friend, Aroo. I give him carrots and apples every Tuesday. Nothing like soft warm fur coats to chase grief away.

Gifts my mother gave me

Memories of my mother that I haven't thought of in a long time come to mind. It is fall here and that reminded me of my mother hanging clothes to dry on the clothesline. My dad had built us a storage/shed playhouse in the backyard. We stored bikes, wagons and other toys in the playhouse. My brother, sister and I would drag all the things out of the playhouse and make cupcakes with mud, water and leaves. My mother loved to wear big hats with flowers on them. She was quite intimidating with her bouffant hair and a large floral hat, suit and heels. When I first saw her at the funeral home, she didn't look like herself. However as time passed, my gaze softened her features and she resembled her living self. I understand that my dad is making a list, dispensing his possessions. For instance, my sister will get his car, my brother inherits guns and something else, my mother's ring comes to me. Immediately after my mother passed, I couldn't remember gifts she had given to me. But as time passed, I realized that my parents gave us our stoneware dishes that we use everyday. She had gone to a neighborhood garage sale and bought me a pincushion in a lamp shape. She went to a craft show up north and bought me a silk arrangement with a candle. The gifts she gave me with such love mean the world to me.

Sent my aunt some flowers

My coworkers gave my family a beautiful sympathy card and gift card. Today my daughter and her boyfriend, my youngest daughter, son, husband and I are going out for dinner. I am not really in the mood for pasta, but I'm sure there will be other choices, perhaps bread and a salad. I was taking a funeral order and confused the elderly woman because I thought the order was for someone other than her brother, another person altogether. I feel badly, making a difficult time even harder. I need to clarify names, listen better. Then there was another call, a woman at the cemetery wondering where her fall plants were. We didn't know the family was coming at a specific time today to take pictures, the service is tomorrow. So many issues. Yesterday there was a problem because our delivery driver left some roses at a place of business. The sender wanted the gift taken to a home if the recipient left work early. Late in the day, we ran the roses to her house after already dropping off roses to her work. On a happier note, I called a flower shop in the city where my elderly uncle and aunt live. I asked the designer to make an arrangement in a novelty container. She thought she might have a birdhouse or wheelbarrow. Something for my aunt who has dementia to talk about and enjoy. More exciting than flowers in a glass vase. The woman told me that her flowers come fedex from 150 miles away. Crazy! I will have to borrow my aunt for a mother, since my own has passed on. Talked to my dad last night and he was exhausted. He had trimmed a hedge the day before and worn himself out.

Vacation needed

I ordered more thank you notes today from the funeral home. Hopefully, someone can pick them up as I will be working. Maybe if I address all the envelopes, put stamps and return address labels on them, perhaps it would expedite things? Dad is getting antsy, wants to get things in order. He has an iron infusion on Monday and hopes to make an appointment with his doctor and that she will recommend home care. Perhaps my mother's former aide can help. I have stopped reading the facebook page of the little baby that died from the chromosomal disorder. Funny thing to do immediately after sending the family flowers. But two of the posts were about fundraisers and reading the entries "does not serve a useful purpose" any more. My friend, who lives in a group home, needs comfort food, wants me to bring her Lay's potato chips. Really! I met my sister for lunch yesterday and we conversed well. I guess I was overly sensitive the day she called. Work was busy...I had to change the water in the buckets, cut the stems, add new flowers, take corsage and boutonniere orders for homecoming, sell bouquets and take orders. A customer came into the store to buy cards. She had taken her elderly client to the garage to get her car fixed. The client told her to go the the coffee shop and bring "tea, sweetener and a spoon." The aide said she needed a vacation.

Stomach pains and bravery

Since my mother got sick, I have not slept well and my stomach has been hurting, so I really can't eat well either. The stomach issue has been a problem because, no matter how inocuous the food I eat, however bland it is, at the first bite, I have terrible stomach cramps. I'm sure it is because of the stress of the last couple weeks. I have been dealing with the pain. I now know for certain that my mentally ill friend is manipulative. For the last few days, when she called, she has been sounding depressed. We set up a luncheon date where I take her to lunch and then to the grocery store. Last night she called and guess what? She doesn't sound depressed any more! She suggested that we add trips to the library and fabric store for canvas and needles. I told her that lunch and grocery store are enough, that the head of the group home could take her to the library and fabric store. I am annoyed with myself for giving in to her manipulations and I don't want to spend money at the fabric store. I am already paying for lunch and snacks and it is expensive. I could kick myself for giving in to her manipulations. My mother was very brave. She was a big woman and she had mobility issues. Every morning she would say, "I guess it's time for me to get up now." She would wait a few more minutes and then repeat herself. She would sit up on the bed and someone would help her stand. She walked with her walker into the bathroom and then into the living room to her lift chair. We would turn on the lamp by her chair. I would see light in the shade as I drove by and know that it was on for my mother. It took so much courage to walk because she was afraid that she would fall. And she did fall a few times and dad would use the hoyer lift to help her to into her wheelchair and then into her lift chair. She had to take several medications. A lot of big capsules. She would try several times to swallow these pills and I could see that it was difficult. But she kept on trying. Many of my mother's brothers and sisters wrote notes about the compassionate care that my dad provided for my mother so that she could stay at home. I feel the weight of trying to write thank you notes to all the people who shared this sad time with us. It's difficult because I have words in my head but I can't transfer the words to paper. I re-read what I've written and the words don't make sense.

Headstone designed with love and thought

Today my dad and I drove to the monument company. He had drawn a picture of his idea for the monument and tucked it away in his wallet. The monument will be light gray granite on the same color base. It will slope. The surname will be on the top in 3" letters. My mother's and dad's first and middle names will be in smaller letters with the years of their births and deaths. My dad noted that both his and her names have the same amount of letters. In between is a heart with the date they were married. In the left corner is a cross with a single flower and leaf and on the right side is a rose. It is beautiful and a wonderful tribute to this couple who loved each other so much. And instead of making me sad when I see the picture, I feel comforted, because my dad made it with such love and thought. The foundation will be laid soon. It takes the monument company 10 weeks to make the headstone. Should be in place by Jan 1. My dad and I spoke to the sales associate at the monument company about my mother and showed her a picture. I will blather about my mom to anyone who will listen. My husband and I went to his hearing test today and to try some hearing aids. He is trying behind the ear, but when he returns in a couple weeks will try some in the ear. I didn't ride today because my teacher was ill.

Days are getting shorter

I was taking an order today for flower delivery and the customer said that I was cutting him off. Not on purpose. His conversations were delayed and I didn't know when he was finished talking. First time in the 12 years I've worked at the flower shop that someone said that. And then when I answered the phone later, a woman said that I sounded like a robot. To avoid cutting anyone off, I will hesitate before speaking to make sure the customer is finished. I don't know about sounding like a robot. Glad that I have two days off. After work, my dad and I did errands for most of the afternoon. Tomorrow he is coming to the farm to see me ride and on the way home, we are stopping at the monument company. I like when my dad and I converse about my mother. It is good to remember. My mother's aide is coming to visit my dad. She has worked for my dad and mom for five years. My mother's death was such a life changing event for her. Sunshiny day here with warm temperatures. However, dark falls early and my dad and I both dislike it.

Balm for my soul

I've come to realize that the woman who lost her baby is not going to acknowledge my mother's death or the flowers I've sent, in any way. Even though we are both traveling down the grief journey road, she is not going to write me. As long as I've given up my expectation for any kind of sympathetic comment, I can move on. And I don't plan to write any more about my mother on her site, because it is about her and her baby. I also realize that it is the support of family and friends that is helping me through this sorrowful time. I need wisdom from the Holy Spirit so that the acknowledgment notes that I write are honest and true. My friend said when she writes she prays, "Lord, I will take care of the quantity. You take care of the quality." It is so hard for me to thank people when my heart is bruised, my mind isn't working, my balance is off, and stress is making my body act strangely. I haven't seen my dad and his dog in over a week, so plan to stop and visit with him after work. I called him to make sure that he didn't plan to rest at that time. I walk my dogs every day around the field because the beautiful green trees, sun, peaceful setting soothe my soul. Had to wash Maui's vest last night because she rolled in something awful before I could stop her.

Fiasco up north

There was some kind of fiasco with my aunt and uncle and their daughter the day before my mother's funeral. She drove 250 miles to bring them to the funeral. My aunt has dementia and she began screaming, "You don't tell me anything!" I am not sure what happened then, but my cousin refused to drive them to the funeral and left. So, the day of the funeral, my 90 year old uncle drove 250 miles to the church. Thank you, big, big safety angels for keeping them safe! Not safe for my uncle to drive back home, so my mother's brother stepped in. On Saturday, the younger brother would drive his sister and her husband back up north. His wife would follow in their car. I feel that my cousin is wrong in arguing with her mother. Though very difficult, one has to remove oneself from the sarcasm, mean remarks, misunderstandings and step back. I know the heart hurts but the head knows this is the disease talking. Two of my cousins are not treating my aunt with respect, honor, compassion or understanding. And because they are not honoring their parents, I have lost respect for these two cousins. When my aunt kissed my mother at the church, she said, "I will be next." My mother's brother and his family had orderered a gorgeous pink rose arrangement for my mother. He asked that I give it to his sister. She smiled and was so grateful when I brought it over to their table. I was thinking that next week, I will order some roses for my aunt and have them delivered to the assisted living home. My emotionally ill friend is trying to manipulate me to take her to lunch. She says that she is depressed and wants to see me. She is depressed, but I don't want to be the person she steamrolls over to get what she wants. Am going to stand firm and put off until later.

I get upset when my sister calls

My husband had an eye appointment yesterday and the doctor suggested cataract surgery. My friend had eye surgery earlier this year. And he has an appointment for his ears next Tuesday. Imagine how good life would be if he could see and hear! Haven't read a new post from the mom whose baby died from the chromosomal disorder. Nothing yesterday or today which is odd. Normally she posts every day. My friend suggested that I see a psychiatrist or attend grief counseling. My mother's funeral was a week ago. I got so upset when my sister called me at work today. Always at work, never at home. She said that my dad breaks down in tears. Well, yes, he has known my mother since she was 16 years old. He is camping at a nearby state park with my brother. She also told me that she and my brother want to write thank yous to their friends. Great idea. My dad wants to take down the ramp in the front of the house. She said that my dad feels conflicted because of my mother's quality of life the last 5 years and that he couldn't do anything because he had to care for her. I took my mother to the nail salon, the grocery store, to a concert. She read and did exercises with her home aide. We played word games, read the paper and watched TV. We laughed and joked together. We went camping at a state park over Labor Day. Is everyone forgetting what she could do? I feel sad that few remember what she could do. It is true that my dad's free time was limited to the time her aides were at the house. My sister said that dad should have gotten mother in hospice earlier, so that her last days would have been more comfortable. Dad was processing, hard to make decisions when you're dying inside. I knew he was working it out, when we told Dad to keep mother in bed and he said, "She can't eat or drink or take her pills in bed." No, she was transitioning to heaven. My sister wants to keep the wheelchairs in case my dad needs them. I told her, "Keep them. I don't care."

A Bad Night

I cried a lot last night. I miss my mother. I miss making her dinner on Tuesday afternoons. She enjoyed hamburger with onions, mashed potatoes and green beans. I liked playing scrabble with her and watching 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy' or the news. We would read the sales flyers together and find good deals. We would laugh together and I would kiss her and tell her that I love her. I am still reeling from her illness and death. How quickly she left us. She stopped walking about 2 weeks before her death, but she could still stand probably until a week before her death. And she was semi awake the entire time. On September 2, dad told her he was leaving the hospice center and that he loved her, and she passed away the next morning. A week ago today, we visited with friends and family at the funeral home. Out of the blue, a former friend that I knew 25 years ago left a message on my answering machine. I don't think I have the strength to call her back even though I am curious as to why she is in the area. I have been working through my mother's passing in this online journal and with certain friends. I write and talk to try to make sense of this new normal, a life without my mother, a big hole in my heart.

Not thinking properly

I have been following the pregnancy and birth journey of a young baby on facebook. Sadly, he lost his fight with a chromosomal disorder on August 3rd, exactly one month before my mother went home to heaven. Today I felt compelled to send the baby's mother a budvase with a small teddy bear. The woman at the flower shop was so helpful, as I didn't have the address. I started to cry as I dictated the card message, "My mother went home to Jesus last week. She is in heaven holding baby Jonah." My mother loved babies. When our eldest daughter was born, our mother would stop every day after work to visit her, bringing her an apple or turnover or treat of some kind. So I hope the gift is received with joy and not fear or sadness. I tell this young mother that I am here for her, but I think she is here for me or that we are here on this grief journey together. I feel so bruised and the trigger of the card message shook me to the core. I am still reeling from my mother's short illness and death. I locked myself out of the house and had to crawl through a window to get in because I am not thinking properly.

Life goes on

I mowed the back yard today. It had grown during our vacation, so I could run around the perimeter twice and then empty the grass catcher. The grass was heavy and wet. I ran over the funnel that I used to fill the mower gas tank. My friend, one of the owners, bought us a delicious meal today--grilled chicken, rolls, homemade mashed potatoes and green beans. My husband, son, two daughters and I enjoyed it. So thoughtful! I rode my horse, Hope, this morning. I used a different saddle and I think the stirrups stayed on the ball of my foot better. Did pretty well, but there was an awkward moment when I was giving Hope mixed signals. I am sad that my mother will never see me ride Hope. My husband has an appointment for hearing aids on Tuesday. I am excited as he will be more connected. My son's car needs a new thermostat and it is time for an oil change and to check the air pressure in the tires as one is low. Also the inside door handle stays out and the transmission needs to be tested.

At peace outside with my dogs

I downloaded an ebook "Please have patience with me, I'm grieving." I wish the owner of the flower shop had patience. Today was his first day back after five days off. I had been off nine days so didn't know this. I wanted to pay for my mother's funeral flowers, but he hadn't updated my account yet. So when I asked him about paying, he became defensive. No problem, because I can pay on the account and when he updates the money will be there. He had too much going on. He is giving my son, daughter and me, 2 days of bereavement pay. Our coworkers chipped in and bought us a beautiful sympathy card and a gift certificate to a restaurant. It was so very thoughtful! I am trying to write thank you notes but I can't establish a rhythm. It would be so much easier if they were only from me. I would know how to address my aunts, uncles and cousins, but as it is, it's a mess. I worked for an hour and a half and got 7 written. The only time I feel content is when I am outside with my two dogs.

Beautiful funeral Mass

The granchildren placed the white baptismal cloth on the casket and the undertakers rolled my mother's casket to the front of the church with the children, grand children and great-grandchildren following. The music was words set to Beethoven's "Ode to Joy," Immaculate Mary because my mother prayed the rosary, "I am the Bread of Life" and "On Eagle's Wings." My daughter and nephew read the readings, two of my children presented the bread and wine. After the Mass, we had a reception at the parish activity center. The interrment was later in the afternoon. Some friends and family spent some time at my dad's house after. My dad was disappointed that his brother and sister did not come, but I believe that my aunt's husband was having a difficult time. After I came home, I fell asleep for the night. I am working today, the first time in over a week. Had to deal with a couple problems, but I can't think of my mother when I am dealing with orders. I have tried calling my dad twice with no luck. I have to put some kind of safeguard in place.

Funeral mass today

At the end of the visitation last night, EMTs had to come and give my cousin an IV. He had taken too much insulin for the food he had eaten. He and his mother apologized and my brother told him, "Keep on doing that, and I will poke you in the other arm," meaning there is absolutely no need to apologize. Funerals are stressful and tiring. The first two hours of the visitation seemed long, the last two not so much. Happy to see my boss and a coworker, friends my brother grew up with, a former coworker and his wife of my dad's, friends of my sister from the martial arts school, along with aunts, uncles, cousins and their children. I get teary thinking of my sweet aunt, my mother's dearest sister. She lives 4 hours away and my cousins have the responsibiity of driving her to the funeral and back the same day. And the stress of my aunt possibly yelling out something sarcastic during the funeral. It doesn't matter to me if she is disruptive. I will be glad to see her and spend some time with her. She repeats herself over and over. Again, I get sad thinking of my former sister-in-law's elderly mother who drove an hour to visit with my parents while my mother was alive. She, at 89 years old, is facing health issues. She and my sister-in-law showed so much kindness. My other sister-in-law has been grieving her mum for many years. I am hoping that the death of my mother will help her work through the death of her own. I pray that my frail, elderly 90 year old father will have the strength to attend the funeral, the luncheon, the interment and the private meal at his home. It will be a long funeral day. His brother and sister and her husband will be here to support him.

Visitation at the funeral home

Years ago, my mother gave me a charm bracelet. Over the years, she must have added 40 charms. I'd like to wear it to the funeral home because she gave it to me, but it is noisy and clunky and I am afraid I'll hit someone with it. So, I am wearing the black "angel" bracelet that my daughter gave me. Also a rouched black top that my mother said was "slimming" with black and white dress pants. I took the fruitcake, tomatoes in a mason jar, scrabble game and cards to the funeral home. I thought it might be helpful to have explanations written up so I printed those and taped them to heavy cardboard. I woman at the funeral home said tears come in waves and that is how it has been with me. I'm fine and then something triggers a second of crying. My hope and prayer is that the funeral home can set up for my mother after the Memorial service earlier in the afternoon.

Numb

I seem to be in hyper mode. Busy making a fruit cake, organizing the playing card drawer, building a scrabble game, cleaning the aquarium, walking the dogs. And talking up a storm. I think my dad understands this behavior the best. Seems strange to me. Something is not quite right, because I can't think things through properly. I can't sit still, I don't want to think, I am numb. I am protecting myself by not feeling anything. Tomorrow friends and family will gather at the funeral home to honor my mother who passed away early Saturday morning. Her funeral Mass is Friday. I went to visit my 90 year old dad, who, is conflicted. On the one hand, he misses my sweet mother but on the other, he is now free to come and go as he pleases. We went to the funeral home and several banks today. I am eager to see my mother, to kiss her cheek and tell her I love her. I am so very grateful for the 64 years that she was in my life. Interesting, but my grandfather passed away when my Dad was 64. She loved flowers and I am excited about the arrangements that have been sent. I will enjoy talking to people and listening to their stories. I hope to see my uncle who just spent 8 weeks in the hospital. I think of my mother when I hear the music from Jeopardy because we watched the program together. I see her pretty flowers and I think of the Monday that I brought them. I asked her, "Which color is your favorite?" and she said smiling, "All of them." I straighten the three butterflies--one pink, one yellow, one orange--and know how much she enjoyed them. I realize that it is not about me. It is about my dad, my siblings, my aunts, uncles and cousins.

Hospice

Leaving for vacation tomorrow and my son flies to France on Friday. We are a bundle of nerves because we don't know when my mother will be called home. She sleeps all the time although I was shocked when she heard and responded hello to me, one last time. She is slipping away fast, will be moved to hospice soon. I hope and pray the transfer is gentle and pain free. Dad is beginning to accept that his soul mate of nearly 70 years is leaving. My son came 265 miles to visit with his grandma. My other son and sweet daughter had lunch with us. It was a joyful time in the midst of much sadness.

Woke up early

A gloomy gray day here. My dad called me at work for help, but I work the branch store by myself. Weighed whether or not I should call my sister. Decided to call her, but woke her up, because she couldn't sleep. She had a tough evening getting mother ready for bed. Wondering if palliative care in a hospice center might be the best option for my mother. My sister believes that dad is in denial. I wondered the same the other day, because if he wasn't, he would see my mother's limitations. I haven't seen the inability to take the 3 evening pills or the violent trembling that my sister saw yesterday. Worrried too because I usually cook on Tuesday and I am stuck here at work. Maybe my husband will pitch in? Will stop by and help after work. Not so worried about vacation because as we near it, know that any arrangements will have to wait until after Labor Day, Sept. 6.

Vacation begins Thursday

My family and I are getting ready to go camping for a few days. I have helped my parents almost every day this past week and I am tired. I plan to take a camp chair, place it under a tree and relax. Most of the gear is in the car and trailer. Need to load our suitcases and food and we will be off on Thursday. I am excited--time for myself. I hope we can eat at the restaurant on Lake Huron (where we ate last yr) and walk on the boardwalk. I would like to visit my aunt and uncle who live in assisted living about 30 miles from the campground. I plan to call them on Thursday to see if we can visit for a while. One of my work colleagues agreed to take care of the furbabies. She came over on Sunday and met the dogs, cats, rabbit and fish. I believe that my mother has ataxia. One of her aides works with a client who also has ataxia. She suggested a hospital bed in the living room. Hard for both parents, I think. Mother has had a couple good days. Tomorrow my parents celebrate their 69th anniversary. Made a mistake today because my son said, "Next year they will celebrate their 70th," and I forgot myself and said, "This will be their last one."

Praying for wisdom

Thank you for taking the time to read these entries. This diary is a way for me to work through things. I pray for wisdom for my family as my mother continues to sleep a lot and lose cognition. I went over yesterday and spoke to mother. Her hairdresser had come and her hair looked beautiful. Mother told me, "I did my hair myself. I should do it more often." I picked up her hand to check the length of her nails, and she said, "Please don't hurt me." I never do sugar level checks, but my dad does and she was afraid of a needle. Sad. I served up some corn and black bean salsa and she enjoyed two bowlfuls. We changed her for bed and then rolled her into the bedroom and she was able to stand for a second and sit on the bed. Earlier in the morning, her legs collapsed and she sat on the floor. My son and a friend went to the house and used the hoyer to get her in her chair. I pray for wisdom. My dad wants to take her by ambulance to the hospital for an evaluation. I really don't want her to be poked and prodded, but if the evaluation is non intrusive and determines that palliative care is necessary, then for my dad's sake I will go along with it. It will be painful and stressful for my mother. She hates pokes and the pain of the blood pressure cuff. I really don't see how going to the hospital will lengthen her life. I propose either palliative care at home with a nurse and other caregivers or care at the hospice center here in the city. Got upset with my dad because he said, "I can't take care of her any more. Going on vacation was great." Yes, my dad needs help, I'll see that he gets it, but he can't give up the race (care) at the home stretch (going to Heaven). I have to realize, however, that the pent up frustration, I heard, was anger at my mother's condition, because I have never seen a more committed, dedicated caregiver than my dad. He alone has kept her going for the past 5 or so years.

Nearing the end of her life.

I am fairly certain that my sister is right, that my mother is nearing the end of her life. She sleeps a lot, does not interact with others, signs the cross continually, and appears to have some sort of uncoordination going on, along with the immobility. My sister and I agree that my mother should continue to live at home until she goes to Heaven. A hospital bed in the living room and a hospice nurse would make her more comfortable. Transfers from a bed to her lift chair are not possible or safe any more. My father has taken wonderful, compassionate care of my mother. They celebrate their 69th wedding anniversary on Aug 30. I am peaceful as I know that I could not have done more to take care of my mother. My vacations that last few years have been working vacations. We went camping, but I took care of my mother so my dad could enjoy a few days rest. I stayed with her during my dad's great western adventure. I brought flowers so that she always had carnations and a red rose. I played countless games of scrabble, read magazines with her, took her to the nail salon and the department store. Yes, I am at peace.

Figuring things out and riding

I went to the house Monday morning, and we still had difficulty getting my mother from the bed to the lift chair. I was very depressed at work all day, knowing that my mother had become immobile. Interesting that she commented as we tried to lift her,"I've forgotten how to walk." I stopped by after work, and she was sleeping. She did rouse for an hour, long enough to munch on some crackers and cheese and have 2 dishes of salsa, a bit of red pop. We also read the grocery store sale paper. She was able to lift herself to a standing position 4 times, more than she did in the morning. Heading over today, to try to make a plan. My brother called to talk to dad, specifically to let Dad know he has made cremation arrangements for himself. I was able to ride today, cried a lot on the way there about this situation with my mother. It was a good lesson. I mounted on the new wooden mount. It is higher and easier on the horses backs. The most fun was the happy time I had putting Hope thru parts of Equestrian tests A and B for the horse show this weekend.

Geriatric Problems

About three weeks ago, on a Thursday, my mother started coughing. She had a physical scheduled for Monday. The doctor said that the symptoms seemmed like an allergy and suggested Allegra because the medicine would not interact with her other meds. I thought my dad would get her some, but he did not. The cough seems to be changing and I wonder if she has bronchitis. The constant coughing could be irritating her bronchii. I can hear her breathe when I am near and my sister said that my mother does not want to get out of bed in the morning. Also, she has no strength to walk. My sister called and asked if I could help my dad get my mother settled for the night tomorrow. When we were talking, she commented that my father thinks the lack of strength is from low iron, I think it is from her cough and my sister believes my mother is nearing the end of her life, that she is wearing out. It's anyone's guess as my mother is 88 years young. I did get her some Allegra, and I plan to go to the house in the morning. I am hoping that if I orient my mother, let her lie in bed for a half hour and then get her up, she will have more strength. I stopped after work, raised her chair, put cream on her elbow, turned on golf and chatted with her. Prior to my visit, both parents were napping. I am cleaning the kitchen and then heading over again. Such is the life when I have 90 year old parents. However, my sister-in-law commented, "I wish I had 90 year old parents." She still grieves the loss of her mother after many years.

Lots of Fun! Lots of Work!

Yesterday, I drove 60 or so miles to help my college daughter move from her apartment to her house. We probably went up and down 100 flights of stairs. Her apartment had 6 steps, a landing, then 6 steps, 3 or 4 down to the sidewalk. We moved her bed, mattress set, chest, bookcase, night table, clothes, dinnerware, silverware, air conditioner...lots of household items. We had carried the box spring to the car when the clouds let loose and rain poured on us. Of course, the hatch would not close because the items were so big, so we had to jerry rig a bungee cord. Once we arrived at the house, the front door deadlock would not turn, so we had to use the back door. It leads directly into her friend's bedroom. We carried items up the porch steps and then up 12 or so steps to my daughter's bedroom. We made several trips. The girls are making a repair list. The 2 x 4 screen in my daughter's room does not stay in, there is a flood under the 1st floor sink and the deadloock doesn't open. The house is old, but the rooms are bright. It has 5 bedrooms and 2 living areas. There is a garrett on the 3rd floor and the basement can be reached by going outside and through the door. The floors are not level and the window baseboards need to be replaced. Lots of college students moving in on her street. Fun to watch. We had sandwiches and chips before I took off for home. When I left, it was still daylight. I thought the switch was set so that the lights were on in the car, but the switch was off, so I drove a good long time in the dark with no lights. Good thing legions of angels were on the job. I had hoped to go grocery shopping with my daughter, but it was late, so today I sent her a fruit and snack basket. I enjoy moving day. I have moved my daughter from her dorm, in and out of her sorority and apartment, and now into her house! Worked off 2471 calories!

Mood lifted

I've been much more conscientious about eating 1200-1500 mgs of calcium daily. I've been way way low the past few months, so much that I became symptomatic--jitteriness, weak hair, muscle spasms, facial numbness. I've been eating the correct amount of calcium for about 10 days, and my hair is not falling out, I haven't had charley horses, my face doesn't tingle, and I am more comfortable in my own skin. I didn't realize that the soy milk I was drinking did not have added calcium. However, I need to include these added calories in my weight plan. Whatever was going on emotionally seems to have gotten better. I felt in a lighter mood after talking to my sister last Monday. I still can't explain what caused the mood swings. Husband is behaving the same, parents are doing well, adult children are coping, enjoy my job at the flower shop, riding my horse, Hope, walking the dogs, training in martial arts.

Emotional

My emotions are all over the place. I feel like crying at the drop of a hat. I noticed this last Monday. I asked a customer for his billing address and he couldn't see the sense of giving it to me because he was paying with a credit card. And he couldn't hear, so didn't understand the explanation. It was a standoff. Last night, we were discussing my aunt and uncle and I could feel myself really revving up and becoming angry. Something is wrong and I'm trying to analyze and resolve the problem. I wonder if I have not properly grieved for my uncle and the flower shop owner. I also was following the story of the 3 month old baby, and his death bothered and angered me so much that I had to go out in the garden and pull out some false strawberry plants and dig holes. Perhaps my sugar level is rising and dropping (my own fault) so as of now, I am going to be more accountable and count carbs. I also need to get together with my brother and sister and discuss dad's financial situation as my mother's home aide insurance is near an end and this worries me.

Helping my dad

Opening ceremony for the Olympic games today. Thought of my son when I saw the statue of Christ overlooking the city. My husband is keeper of the remote, so will have to watch the games on my tablet. I have come to realize that the only time my sister talks to me is when she wants to discuss our parents. It doesn't matter if I am coming to exercise at the school or if I am working. She called the other day to vent her frustration about the traffic coming into the city. It is bad...it took me two hours to go 5 miles last Saturday. A thunder storm had knocked out several traffic lights and there were a lot of visitors in town for the Chelsea/Real Madrid game. She was also frustrated that her hair appointment lasted four hours. She and her daughter have been helping my dad from 6 to 11pm or so. She feels that it is a waste of her time as she is sitting around and then at 11 helping mother get into bed. Last time I visited, my dad took a 2 hour nap as he was tired from canning tomatoes. When I mentioned that my sister in law needed two Sundays off and that I was going on vacation and would need coverage for 4 shifts, my sister commented that it was too much. My sister had valid points. When I am at the house, my dad feels free to delegate responsibility for my mother, take a nap, watch tv. He prefers to not keep getting up and down to help my mother. It wears him out.