Numb

I seem to be in hyper mode. Busy making a fruit cake, organizing the playing card drawer, building a scrabble game, cleaning the aquarium, walking the dogs. And talking up a storm. I think my dad understands this behavior the best. Seems strange to me. Something is not quite right, because I can't think things through properly. I can't sit still, I don't want to think, I am numb. I am protecting myself by not feeling anything. Tomorrow friends and family will gather at the funeral home to honor my mother who passed away early Saturday morning. Her funeral Mass is Friday. I went to visit my 90 year old dad, who, is conflicted. On the one hand, he misses my sweet mother but on the other, he is now free to come and go as he pleases. We went to the funeral home and several banks today. I am eager to see my mother, to kiss her cheek and tell her I love her. I am so very grateful for the 64 years that she was in my life. Interesting, but my grandfather passed away when my Dad was 64. She loved flowers and I am excited about the arrangements that have been sent. I will enjoy talking to people and listening to their stories. I hope to see my uncle who just spent 8 weeks in the hospital. I think of my mother when I hear the music from Jeopardy because we watched the program together. I see her pretty flowers and I think of the Monday that I brought them. I asked her, "Which color is your favorite?" and she said smiling, "All of them." I straighten the three butterflies--one pink, one yellow, one orange--and know how much she enjoyed them. I realize that it is not about me. It is about my dad, my siblings, my aunts, uncles and cousins.