Unhappy friend

My friend was crying on the phone. Said the house manager told her to "Get out here!" and asked her if she had turned up the heat in the house. She is miserable. I have to work all this week and through next Monday, so I can't drive to the day program she attends but need to call staff. I wish she could have adjusted to the 24K apartment. It's so sad that she was asked to leave and is now living in this group home. She and the house manager push each other's buttons. She has no other alternative, but to live in this setting where she is desperately unhappy. She can't live with her cousin or with me. She has too many issues. Such a sad situation. I enjoyed my day off today. My husbnd and I went to several stores and bought a few Christmas gifts. We had to purchase a new printer because our printer was damaged in the power surge. The washer worked fine for a couple loads, but will not work now. My husband, son and I went to a Japanese restaurant and had sushi. Delicious! I am trying to be patient with my husband, and give him attention. I figure it will dust the cobwebs from his mind. It's hard because I forget that it takes time for him to process. I need to work on remembering.

Getting on track

I spent my days off, Tuesday and Wednesday, home waiting for repair techs. On Tuesday, the oven tech came and ordered the part a board that controls the timer and oven. On Wednesday, the furnace tech came and replaced the transformer in the furnace. He said, that since the furnace is 20 years old, that we need to get a carbon monoxide detector in case it malfunctions. The garage door tech came and replaced the circuit board in the garage door opener. I was aggravated that I had to stay home, but realized that repair techs only work Monday thru Friday, and since I have weekdays off, it is my job to stay home and wait for them. My husband, daughter and I drove to the department store and bought a carbon monoxide, smoke alarm combo, Halloween candy, chips and a Halloween costume for our daughter. Every year, we drive to a nearby city for my husband's family reunion on Thanksgiving. This year his brother and all the family are heading to another state to visit with my nephew, his wife and their new baby. His other brother and wife are staying home and his two cousins already have plans. My daughter wants to bring her new puppy, so it looks like it will be immediate family this year. Very different, but then perhaps it will disguise "the open chair." We won't miss my Mother as much. On All Saints, a holy day, Dad and I are going to our church for Mass and a special remembrance service. After the homily, immediate family will light a candle in memory of their loved one. I did not walk the dogs yesterday because it was bone chilling cold and wet. I did manage to walk 10,000 steps today. Trying to get back on track after the last few months. I aim to be in shape by Jan 11, the day of my annual doctor appointment. AJ in a box.

Halloween Decorations

Warm, sunny day yesterday, so I worked outside decorating for Halloween. I stuffed Henry, the pumpkin man's sweatshirt and pants and assembled him on his chair. He is drinking Pepsi. He has a few friends....Count Dracula, Green Witch and her friendly Green Cat, and Skeleton Rapper. Everyone is friendly and should not scare the children when they come to Trick or Treat. I sent my uncle a Halloween Card. On the outside, "How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? and on the inside "With a pumpkin patch!" Hope it makes him smile! I am not riding the next two Tuesdays...tomorrow the oven repair tech is coming and the following Tuesday I work for the branch manager who is going on vacation. I am getting shorter and slower, so even as I attempt to improve in martial arts, my body is saying no. So I have decided to quit martial arts. I have been around positive, affirming people and that keeps my spirit steady.

Electrical fire

Ali cat could not eat and was nauseated, a vicious cycle, so my daughter and I decided it was time for her to go across the rainbow bridge. I took her to the clinic and cuddled her while the doctor gave her the medicine to help her into a forever sleep. She was very peaceful. This morning at 4am, I was awakened by the hum of a transformer and two loud pops. Not usual house noises. I was wide awake, listening, realized the power had gone out. When my husband reset the circuit breakers, the power surge caused a power strip to flame and burn, melting the plastic shelves it was sitting on. I ran downstairs to tell him to turn off the power while my daughter unplugged the power strip. Very scary. We called an electrician, but the problem was not with the house, but with the power company. The power company had to replace two cables from the pole to our house and to our next door neighbor's home. Before they could replace the cables, they had to trim or take down a tree. It was an all day job, finally finished at 6:30pm. I am so grateful for the line workers. I don't know what would have caused the problem with the two lines. We reset the circuit breakers and so far all appears well except for the oven and furnace which will not work and were damaged by the power surge.

"Bending"

I am trying hard to pull myself together. One loss after another. My uncle, my 90 year old friend who owned the flower shop, my mother, my daughter's friend's grandother, and my very sick cat. Today I was trying to hang a towel on the tub shower rod and as I stepped down, I fell on the wet tile. I bruised the side of my knee and it hurts. Wishing that I could be with extended family and not get upset, because the estrangement causes me to be sad. Hoping that my adult children's hopes and dreams will come to fruition. I need to get back on track and it's difficult. So after several months of not eating well or exercising, I am going to try to eat better (fruits, vegetables, fish and lean meat) and walk 10,000 steps. I will not be continuing in martial arts. I can't do it, and I have to let the instructors know. My dad finally told us what time to be at his house to eat with him on Tuesday. We got to the house and he was making a snack because he thought we weren't coming. I rode my horse yesterday morning. We worked on "bending" where the horse's head and rib cage is tilted to the inside. I have to multi-task, pull the inside rein back, keep the outside rein in the correct position, use the inside leg to press and release against the horse's ribs. I could barely put pressure on with my left leg, but did better with my dominant right leg. Not sure I can learn this well enough for the walk and trot tests next summer. I watch my friend canter and work on making the horse bend, and feel like I'm so far behind. Seems like my coworker is sad because she is missing her "bestest coworkers" and had a bad day at work. She was sick on Monday and I told her it was a "mad moon Monday" and that I missed her.

My sick cat enjoyed the sun

My daughter's best friend's grandmother passed away yesterday. Ruth and her husband attended many school functions when my children were in elementary school. Both always had smiles and offered friendliness. My daughter and her friend have had rough months. My daughter lost her grandmother on Sept 3rd; her friend lost hers on October 16. I sent flowers from our family and will send a memorial contribution to her church. Today I took my sick cat outside in the sun. I sat in a chair and held her and she looked around with interest. Her coat became warm with the sun and she was with her other animal brothers and sister. She isn't eating at all in spite of the appetite enhancer. I don't think she will last much longer. One week tomorrow since we got the awful news. I am doing just okay. I do not get upset because I don't interact with those people that leave me crying and hurt. But when I limit my contacts like this, then I feel lonely. My friend suggested that we do something next week because she knows I use to spend Tuesday with my mother and she is offering an alternate activity. And my other friend is a mess because she contacted some agency about her house manager and hasn't heard back. I am tired of all her drama. Tomorrow I have a riding lesson, might stop at the plant nursery, walk the dogs, husband and I will have dinner with my Dad.I ate with my son in law's brother and his family last evening, and enjoyed the spaghetti and meatballs and chatting. Today my coworker called off and the first few hours of the store were busy with phone calls. I lost two sales, one because the casket spray was too expensive and the other because I assumed the customer wanted a loose wrap and forgot to offer him the roses in a vase.

Cat is very sick

Though we are feeding Ali, she is skin and bones. I will come home someday and she will be gone. This little grey kitty who would pounce on the window to announce that her brothers wanted in. It is so hard. Bad things come in threes or fours or fives. My uncle in July, my mother in September, my grey cat in October and now my daughter's friend's grandma is very ill and in the hospital. Today I worked with the branch manager at the little store. So fun to have someone to talk and work with. She understands why I want to surround myself with affirming, positive friends. Tomorrow we are going to have dinner with my daughter's sister and brother in law and their young son. I made some cookies for dessert. Most came out well, but I managed to burn some too.

Cat has kidney disease

Our cat is very sick. May or may not be cancer, but definitely a heart murmur and kidney disease. Decided to try some non invasive treatments--a sc shot to help with the dehydration but not so much that she would have congestive heart failure, a shot with pain reliever and vitamins, and renal cat foood. Ali is eating a bit and then resting. When she clamors for attention, I hold her and tell her what a beautiful cat she is. There was indication of kidney disease in December, and I believe it worsened since then. We are hoping and praying that she will get better. Losing a cat on top of my mother's death is too heartbreaking. Scary that my daughter said, bad things happen in threes. I contacted my friend and asked if I could bring the walker and her pan to her husband's office. I had to take the dogs for a walk, the office is on the way, so we walked. I enjoyed the walk, the nice day, being outside. I had another dream last night. I was in a hall with all my cousins on my mother's side of the family. I needed a lot of pens and pencils. There were a few on the table. Wonder what this dream means. I had one day of healthy eating, trying not to eat sugar, but with all the stress of a sick cat, gobbled a piece of cake and a good humor bar.

Bad dream

I woke up to a bad dream. In the dream, a couple with a baby and myself were running in a large parking lot toward a red and white passenger plane. We were going to miss the flight, but then the plane turned and idled in the parking lot, because the engine was not working properly. A mechanic checked it and said that it was fine, but I had to decide if I was boarding. The couple with the baby boarded and sat in the back. I was deliberating whether or not to board, knowing that the plane had engine trouble. I woke up before I could decide. I rode Casper today. His limp did not bother him much, but he was full of it. He got bored with walking, trotted like he was heading away from a fire. I had trouble keeping my elbows and arms still, and my feet properly in the stirrups. I wondered if the plane in the dream symbolized the horse, but there wasn't enough danger in riding, so I don't know. I made an appointment for Ali cat for this afternoon. I am slow roasting some beef for my husband, dad and me for dinner. On Tuesday afternoon, my husband, dad and I eat together.

Cat has cancer

I have been so busy with my mother's illness and funeral that I didn't notice that my Ali cat has lost lots of weight and is not eating. I don't think there is much that I can do. She is skeletal and has stopped rushing to the front door to let us know that her brothers want to be let in. I just assume that my poor kitty has feline leukemia or cancer. Doing all I can to love her and keep her comfortable. She had a close call last December with food and flea allergies and lived almost a year since. My husband enjoyed his birthday cookout and gifts--his hockey shirt with a player who has the same number as his age, a grill for camping and a framed photo of the college stadium, along with two funny cards. And today he got an e-card and the bowling team bought him a beer. Busy, busy at work. The time flew by. I am so glad to have my "weekend." Tomorrow and Wednesday off. Been trying to figure out how to save my outside plants through the winter. I don't know if I can pile leaves on the azaleas and mum plants so that they survive the cold, cold winter. I might drive to a nursery tomorrow to get suggestions. Yesterday my manager gave me a mum plant. My brother was helping my dad cut down a dead tree yesterday, so I offered it to him. It is hearty, should come back next year. My brother was quiet, just sent happy birthday wishes to my husband. He misses my mother too. On Sunday, my son and I drove to the the hospital chapel to attend Mass, but there was no Mass. So I had to drive to the church where we held my mother's funeral. I held it together until the last song, which we sang at her funeral, and then I became emotional. I am grateful that most Sundays I attend Mass at the hospital chapel. Not so many memories. I asked Dad about his meeting with the cemetery curator. The curator pointed out the head of the grave, which faces west. The monument will be place with the writing facing the foot. So relieved to know all is well.

Careful with people

A coworker was friendly today, but I don't trust the friendliness. She is a crocodile with a smile. She is constantly finding fault. I asked my husband if he wanted to go grocery shopping. Before we went to the store, we went to an inexpensive restaurant together. We bought the groceries for his birthday party tomorrow. He opened the trunk and when he saw my mother's walker, he said, "What is THAT doing there?" I felt that his tone of voice was critical. I told him that I had driven over to my friend's office, but she was not working that day because she was attending a funeral, and I would go back on Wednesday. He also saw that I had charged items at the flower shop and when I told him it was a birthday present for him, he said, "I don't need a truck with flowers in it." I would never consider getting him flowers because he wouldn't appreciate them. I can't be around people that are critical, demeaning and insensitive. I was telling a customer that I am most comfortable around animals, cats, dogs and horses because they can't talk. 5 weeks ago today, my mother died. Since then, I have had stomach pain, am so sensitive, I cry if someone says "boo, worry about my dad and eldest daughter, and can't get along with anyone because I get upset. Oh joy.

Lonely

It is not a new feeling, but my heart is lonely. Sometimes I feel like I should call or talk to my mother, before I realize that she is not here anymore. I am so grateful for friends that send sympathy cards, even now, because I know that my mother and I are not forgotten. Though I want to tell everyone that my mother died, I try to keep quiet, as my attention should be on the person and his or her concerns. The anniversary, the birthday, the new baby or sadly, the funeral. The person does not need me blathering on that my mother died. My friends invite me out to dinner or to go on an outing because they know my sould is sad. On a happier note, my husband's birthday is coming up and we are celebrating it on Sunday. We are having a cook out, so perhaps I'll go shopping this evening. We'll see what his plans are. My daughter bought him a small propane grill, my other daughter got him a shirt, and my son, youngest daughter and I purchased a black and white framed photo of the college football stadium. He wanted an old photo of the stadium. I hope he likes it. Hurricane Matthew has devastated Haiti and killed many people. I'm thankful for the organizations that are helping. 500,000 people in Florida are without power.

A Stressful Outing

I picked up my friend from her day program and drove to the grocery store. She borrowed a motorized cart and headed to the magazine section where she chose a puzzle book. I wanted to purchase crayons to go with the coloring book so we went to the back of the store. Stopped to check out needles in the craft section, but there weren't any that were suitable. I bought dog and cat food and then we went to the chip and pop section. And wouldn't you know, with all the room in the big store and all the stores in the city, my friend would bump right into her house manager. He gave her a bad time about everything... the motorized cart, the chips and the pop. She cried and cried. We then went to the restaurant and she decided on a cheeseburger, fries and diet coke. I know her house manager is right...a healthy diet is important, and perhaps next time we can buy healthy snacks and a healthy lunch. I really didn't need this encounter today. It's like the time another friend and I were discussing a coworker only to have the person in front of us recognize who we were talking about. Moral...keep mouth shut. I dropped my friend off, and headed to my husband's hearing aid appointment. I was 10 minutes late. I then had to go back to my friend's day program because I had driven off with her backpack. She seemed a bit more settled. Tonight she called and I guess she gave the house manager the beans, "You can control what I eat in the house, but when I am out, I am my own guardian and can choose what I want to eat." My friend and her house manager push each other's buttons.

Dad is upset

I went out to the farm today to ride. I saw on the whiteboard that I was riding Casper, the grey. Casper was out in the pasture, so I found a lead rope and took an apple piece and went to get him. I put on the halter and encouraged Casper to follow. He stood still and wouldn't budge. Didn't quite know what to do, but eventually he decided to move. He stood quietly while I groomed him, got a bit antsy as I saddled him. The first circuit around the arena was good, but during the second, he decided to wander. I had forgotten he did that. He has an uneven gait so my elbows were flying all over. Had to work to keep my hands up and elbows still. Toward the end of the lesson, I learned to use my inside leg to get the horse to "bend." Head tilted, rib cage in. It's hard work at a walk, can't imagine doing it at a trot, but it went well. I gave Casper carrots and apples and let him loose in the pasture. I went with two friends to the rural Cider Mill. I bought two kinds of apples, cider, cinnamon sugar donuts, and a coloring book for the little boy that we are seeing in a week or so. My husband and I drove to my Dad's house to make dinner and eat with him. Ham, sweet potatoes, corn, with candy for dessert. My dad couldn't sleep last night because he had stopped at the cemetery yesterday and is not sure that there is room for my mother's headstone. He plans to talk to the curator. I am hoping that my mother is buried in the proper lot. I had to call my friend and ask her if I could pick her up earlier. My husband asked me to go to his hearing aid appointment. She said the earlier time would be fine.

One month anniversary

Sept 3rd, the one month anniversary of my mother's death, the day she went to Heaven. I received a card from a friend that worked with me at the inn. On the cover, "I like to think of sunbeams as those we love, reaching down to remind us they are not very far at all," and inside, "To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die." by Thomas Campbell. My daughter's sister in law and brother in law invited us for dinner in a couple weeks. I tried very hard to write thank you notes that would touch those people who received them. This young woman is raising a very difficult 4 year old son and I hoped to encourage her. It is very sweet of her to make dinner so that I don't have to cook. Tomorrow I have a riding lesson and then a friend and I are going to the apple orchard. I am dreading Wednesday, the day that I am taking my friend to the restaurant and grocery store. We have been friends for 40 years, but I feel that the friendship is one-sided and that the friend is using me. I know she gets little allowance a week, but I still have trouble reconciling the money I spend. I am considering going to martial arts for a bit. I am afraid that if I don't start back soon, I never will return. But it is my mother's anniversary and I am super sensitive, and probably will not be able to handle the masters' corrections well. I need to be around people that accept me as I am at this moment. I made beef ribs for my dad, brother, husband, two of the adult children and me yesterday. They were delicious. My brother and I both sent thank yous to my mother's sister and brother. My brother seemed upset, saying almost the same thing my sister did, "You wrote them even though I marked them?" I forgot when I was looking at the card message for the flowers to check who was writing the note. But at least I didn't write a thank you to my brother's son. A note came from the education trust fund at our church, and even though I sent notes to all these people, I feel like I should write an acknowledgement of their memorial gifts.

Yearning for something

I was reading some old posts from early 2013. My mother was very sick that year with c-diff and a couple bedsores. One post particularily struck me as odd. The text, written 3 years ago, included most of the information that I included in her obituary. I had forgotten that I had written that piece and was shocked by the similarity to her obituary. A friend texted me "How are you doing?" I told her that I am super-sensitive and certain triggers remind me of my mom. She told me, "Be patient. Things will get better." Honestly, it's hard to see how my life will improve. The friend who lives in a group home doesn't converse, she talks about herself. I have to decide whether or not I want to continuue with martial arts. I don't trust certain people to be kind. They always seem frustrated and angry about something. I can't possibly be around them. I'm sure that is why I prefer my dogs, cats and horses. They are there to pet and offer comfort. I seem to be yearning for something and I can't seem to find it, because I can't determine what it is. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Dad said last night, "We miss mother." Yes, I miss her. Tomorrow we are making ribs and potatoes at my dad's and next Sunday we will grill to celebrate my husband's 71st birthday. His choice. The weather broke a bit, cloudy but no rain. I should be able to walk the dogs. Haven't been able to the last few days, because it rained. I am grateful for my husband and children, my job, my friends and extended family, my pets and my horses, and my faith. (notice, faith is rather an afterthought.)