Cloudy and rainy fall weather

I am in the process of writing thank you notes after my mother's death. My mother was one of 10 children so I have many aunts, uncles and cousins along with friends, coworkers and neighbors. My brother and sister helped; I have a dozen or so to go, but I am sure more memorial gifts will come in. My friend at the hospital said that she prayed when she was writing thank you notes after her mother's death, "Lord, you take care of the quality. I'll take care of the quantity." I'm sure the prayer helped especially with the notes to my daughter and son's friends. I wrote them from a different perspective. Otherwise, the notes would have been flat. I hope that there are not too many mistakes--names mispelled, forgotten gifts. I called my uncle yesterday to ask if any of his cousins had come. He couldn't think of any, but at the Mass someone said that she "remembered me wearing my mother's wedding dress." I am clueless, so I hope the Lord provides enlightenment. Rainly and gloomy here. A hot tea kind of day.

Need acceptance

Been running around all over this morning. First, I had to do some banking for my dad. Then drive 30 miles to get two letters from the post office. I had written thank you notes to my sister's and my mutual friends, and she wants to write them. So I picked mine up, shredded them and put them in the recycle. I filled the car with gas and picked up two racks of ribs from the meat department. I also purchased a new cranberry winter coat as the zipper in my ages-old coat is broken. Nice weatherproof coat, cranberry color, with a warm zippered insert and button outer layer with hood. Am home now, making white chili for lunch. Comforting on this rainy cold day, or it will be once it's done. I am abandoning my husband, and heading out to a restaurant with two friends later this evening. Dealing with difficult family members and friends has made me very sad. My mentally ill friend is self centered and focused only on herself. I feel that with regard to my sister, everything I do is wrong. For the past many years, she has found fault with most everything I do. My husband and his interests are #1 on his list. I need to be with friends who accept me for who I am, blemishes and all.

Debaucle

I wrote and mailed thank you notes to two friends that my sister and I have in common. She wants to write these notes, so I asked the post office to hold delivery. The thank you letters have not arrived to the post office yet, perhaps tomorrow. I had a terrible night, tears running down my face most of the dark hours. I was searching my brain, trying to think of someone I could use as a sounding board. I decided that I would stop at the branch flower shop and talk with my friend, the store manager, after my riding lesson. The lesson was difficult as I was on a new horse and he limps. My arms flew all over, my toes would not stay in the stirrup. I finally get it all together by the end of the lesson. I tried to buy a saddle, but it would fit the horse. I will put that idea on hold for now. I just wanted my own to save prep time as I have to roll the leather on the stirrup and it took my teacher and me four times to get it right. Rebecca and her horse Annaliese and Roberta and her horse Ciarra have appointments for their horses to be seen by a horse chiropractor. I will be using school horses, no desire to own my own horse. I had hoped that I would be cantering by now because I wanted to compete in test C next year. I am afraid that I will get lower scores and not place if I do the same tests next summer. I entered the store the same time as a customer (dressed in riding breeches and tee shirt). The customer wanted two pin on corsages. The branch manager suffers from arthritis, so I made them for the customer. After the customer left, the branch manager and I talked. She mentioned that everyone grieves differently, that some people feel guilty, that some people treat family closest to them the worst. I don't know, but I have certainly been treated badly by people that have low frustration levels. I make mistakes but do everything I can to make it right, such as driving to my post office and then to the post office where my friends live. Husband and I had dinner with my dad today. He and my sister had spent 12 hours at the doctor's office yesterday so that he could have an iron infusion. He enjoyed the visit, talking about his collection and golf. It warded off the loneliness for awhile. The picture is my friend, Aroo. I give him carrots and apples every Tuesday. Nothing like soft warm fur coats to chase grief away.

Gifts my mother gave me

Memories of my mother that I haven't thought of in a long time come to mind. It is fall here and that reminded me of my mother hanging clothes to dry on the clothesline. My dad had built us a storage/shed playhouse in the backyard. We stored bikes, wagons and other toys in the playhouse. My brother, sister and I would drag all the things out of the playhouse and make cupcakes with mud, water and leaves. My mother loved to wear big hats with flowers on them. She was quite intimidating with her bouffant hair and a large floral hat, suit and heels. When I first saw her at the funeral home, she didn't look like herself. However as time passed, my gaze softened her features and she resembled her living self. I understand that my dad is making a list, dispensing his possessions. For instance, my sister will get his car, my brother inherits guns and something else, my mother's ring comes to me. Immediately after my mother passed, I couldn't remember gifts she had given to me. But as time passed, I realized that my parents gave us our stoneware dishes that we use everyday. She had gone to a neighborhood garage sale and bought me a pincushion in a lamp shape. She went to a craft show up north and bought me a silk arrangement with a candle. The gifts she gave me with such love mean the world to me.

Sent my aunt some flowers

My coworkers gave my family a beautiful sympathy card and gift card. Today my daughter and her boyfriend, my youngest daughter, son, husband and I are going out for dinner. I am not really in the mood for pasta, but I'm sure there will be other choices, perhaps bread and a salad. I was taking a funeral order and confused the elderly woman because I thought the order was for someone other than her brother, another person altogether. I feel badly, making a difficult time even harder. I need to clarify names, listen better. Then there was another call, a woman at the cemetery wondering where her fall plants were. We didn't know the family was coming at a specific time today to take pictures, the service is tomorrow. So many issues. Yesterday there was a problem because our delivery driver left some roses at a place of business. The sender wanted the gift taken to a home if the recipient left work early. Late in the day, we ran the roses to her house after already dropping off roses to her work. On a happier note, I called a flower shop in the city where my elderly uncle and aunt live. I asked the designer to make an arrangement in a novelty container. She thought she might have a birdhouse or wheelbarrow. Something for my aunt who has dementia to talk about and enjoy. More exciting than flowers in a glass vase. The woman told me that her flowers come fedex from 150 miles away. Crazy! I will have to borrow my aunt for a mother, since my own has passed on. Talked to my dad last night and he was exhausted. He had trimmed a hedge the day before and worn himself out.

Vacation needed

I ordered more thank you notes today from the funeral home. Hopefully, someone can pick them up as I will be working. Maybe if I address all the envelopes, put stamps and return address labels on them, perhaps it would expedite things? Dad is getting antsy, wants to get things in order. He has an iron infusion on Monday and hopes to make an appointment with his doctor and that she will recommend home care. Perhaps my mother's former aide can help. I have stopped reading the facebook page of the little baby that died from the chromosomal disorder. Funny thing to do immediately after sending the family flowers. But two of the posts were about fundraisers and reading the entries "does not serve a useful purpose" any more. My friend, who lives in a group home, needs comfort food, wants me to bring her Lay's potato chips. Really! I met my sister for lunch yesterday and we conversed well. I guess I was overly sensitive the day she called. Work was busy...I had to change the water in the buckets, cut the stems, add new flowers, take corsage and boutonniere orders for homecoming, sell bouquets and take orders. A customer came into the store to buy cards. She had taken her elderly client to the garage to get her car fixed. The client told her to go the the coffee shop and bring "tea, sweetener and a spoon." The aide said she needed a vacation.

Stomach pains and bravery

Since my mother got sick, I have not slept well and my stomach has been hurting, so I really can't eat well either. The stomach issue has been a problem because, no matter how inocuous the food I eat, however bland it is, at the first bite, I have terrible stomach cramps. I'm sure it is because of the stress of the last couple weeks. I have been dealing with the pain. I now know for certain that my mentally ill friend is manipulative. For the last few days, when she called, she has been sounding depressed. We set up a luncheon date where I take her to lunch and then to the grocery store. Last night she called and guess what? She doesn't sound depressed any more! She suggested that we add trips to the library and fabric store for canvas and needles. I told her that lunch and grocery store are enough, that the head of the group home could take her to the library and fabric store. I am annoyed with myself for giving in to her manipulations and I don't want to spend money at the fabric store. I am already paying for lunch and snacks and it is expensive. I could kick myself for giving in to her manipulations. My mother was very brave. She was a big woman and she had mobility issues. Every morning she would say, "I guess it's time for me to get up now." She would wait a few more minutes and then repeat herself. She would sit up on the bed and someone would help her stand. She walked with her walker into the bathroom and then into the living room to her lift chair. We would turn on the lamp by her chair. I would see light in the shade as I drove by and know that it was on for my mother. It took so much courage to walk because she was afraid that she would fall. And she did fall a few times and dad would use the hoyer lift to help her to into her wheelchair and then into her lift chair. She had to take several medications. A lot of big capsules. She would try several times to swallow these pills and I could see that it was difficult. But she kept on trying. Many of my mother's brothers and sisters wrote notes about the compassionate care that my dad provided for my mother so that she could stay at home. I feel the weight of trying to write thank you notes to all the people who shared this sad time with us. It's difficult because I have words in my head but I can't transfer the words to paper. I re-read what I've written and the words don't make sense.

Headstone designed with love and thought

Today my dad and I drove to the monument company. He had drawn a picture of his idea for the monument and tucked it away in his wallet. The monument will be light gray granite on the same color base. It will slope. The surname will be on the top in 3" letters. My mother's and dad's first and middle names will be in smaller letters with the years of their births and deaths. My dad noted that both his and her names have the same amount of letters. In between is a heart with the date they were married. In the left corner is a cross with a single flower and leaf and on the right side is a rose. It is beautiful and a wonderful tribute to this couple who loved each other so much. And instead of making me sad when I see the picture, I feel comforted, because my dad made it with such love and thought. The foundation will be laid soon. It takes the monument company 10 weeks to make the headstone. Should be in place by Jan 1. My dad and I spoke to the sales associate at the monument company about my mother and showed her a picture. I will blather about my mom to anyone who will listen. My husband and I went to his hearing test today and to try some hearing aids. He is trying behind the ear, but when he returns in a couple weeks will try some in the ear. I didn't ride today because my teacher was ill.

Days are getting shorter

I was taking an order today for flower delivery and the customer said that I was cutting him off. Not on purpose. His conversations were delayed and I didn't know when he was finished talking. First time in the 12 years I've worked at the flower shop that someone said that. And then when I answered the phone later, a woman said that I sounded like a robot. To avoid cutting anyone off, I will hesitate before speaking to make sure the customer is finished. I don't know about sounding like a robot. Glad that I have two days off. After work, my dad and I did errands for most of the afternoon. Tomorrow he is coming to the farm to see me ride and on the way home, we are stopping at the monument company. I like when my dad and I converse about my mother. It is good to remember. My mother's aide is coming to visit my dad. She has worked for my dad and mom for five years. My mother's death was such a life changing event for her. Sunshiny day here with warm temperatures. However, dark falls early and my dad and I both dislike it.

Balm for my soul

I've come to realize that the woman who lost her baby is not going to acknowledge my mother's death or the flowers I've sent, in any way. Even though we are both traveling down the grief journey road, she is not going to write me. As long as I've given up my expectation for any kind of sympathetic comment, I can move on. And I don't plan to write any more about my mother on her site, because it is about her and her baby. I also realize that it is the support of family and friends that is helping me through this sorrowful time. I need wisdom from the Holy Spirit so that the acknowledgment notes that I write are honest and true. My friend said when she writes she prays, "Lord, I will take care of the quantity. You take care of the quality." It is so hard for me to thank people when my heart is bruised, my mind isn't working, my balance is off, and stress is making my body act strangely. I haven't seen my dad and his dog in over a week, so plan to stop and visit with him after work. I called him to make sure that he didn't plan to rest at that time. I walk my dogs every day around the field because the beautiful green trees, sun, peaceful setting soothe my soul. Had to wash Maui's vest last night because she rolled in something awful before I could stop her.

Fiasco up north

There was some kind of fiasco with my aunt and uncle and their daughter the day before my mother's funeral. She drove 250 miles to bring them to the funeral. My aunt has dementia and she began screaming, "You don't tell me anything!" I am not sure what happened then, but my cousin refused to drive them to the funeral and left. So, the day of the funeral, my 90 year old uncle drove 250 miles to the church. Thank you, big, big safety angels for keeping them safe! Not safe for my uncle to drive back home, so my mother's brother stepped in. On Saturday, the younger brother would drive his sister and her husband back up north. His wife would follow in their car. I feel that my cousin is wrong in arguing with her mother. Though very difficult, one has to remove oneself from the sarcasm, mean remarks, misunderstandings and step back. I know the heart hurts but the head knows this is the disease talking. Two of my cousins are not treating my aunt with respect, honor, compassion or understanding. And because they are not honoring their parents, I have lost respect for these two cousins. When my aunt kissed my mother at the church, she said, "I will be next." My mother's brother and his family had orderered a gorgeous pink rose arrangement for my mother. He asked that I give it to his sister. She smiled and was so grateful when I brought it over to their table. I was thinking that next week, I will order some roses for my aunt and have them delivered to the assisted living home. My emotionally ill friend is trying to manipulate me to take her to lunch. She says that she is depressed and wants to see me. She is depressed, but I don't want to be the person she steamrolls over to get what she wants. Am going to stand firm and put off until later.

I get upset when my sister calls

My husband had an eye appointment yesterday and the doctor suggested cataract surgery. My friend had eye surgery earlier this year. And he has an appointment for his ears next Tuesday. Imagine how good life would be if he could see and hear! Haven't read a new post from the mom whose baby died from the chromosomal disorder. Nothing yesterday or today which is odd. Normally she posts every day. My friend suggested that I see a psychiatrist or attend grief counseling. My mother's funeral was a week ago. I got so upset when my sister called me at work today. Always at work, never at home. She said that my dad breaks down in tears. Well, yes, he has known my mother since she was 16 years old. He is camping at a nearby state park with my brother. She also told me that she and my brother want to write thank yous to their friends. Great idea. My dad wants to take down the ramp in the front of the house. She said that my dad feels conflicted because of my mother's quality of life the last 5 years and that he couldn't do anything because he had to care for her. I took my mother to the nail salon, the grocery store, to a concert. She read and did exercises with her home aide. We played word games, read the paper and watched TV. We laughed and joked together. We went camping at a state park over Labor Day. Is everyone forgetting what she could do? I feel sad that few remember what she could do. It is true that my dad's free time was limited to the time her aides were at the house. My sister said that dad should have gotten mother in hospice earlier, so that her last days would have been more comfortable. Dad was processing, hard to make decisions when you're dying inside. I knew he was working it out, when we told Dad to keep mother in bed and he said, "She can't eat or drink or take her pills in bed." No, she was transitioning to heaven. My sister wants to keep the wheelchairs in case my dad needs them. I told her, "Keep them. I don't care."

A Bad Night

I cried a lot last night. I miss my mother. I miss making her dinner on Tuesday afternoons. She enjoyed hamburger with onions, mashed potatoes and green beans. I liked playing scrabble with her and watching 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy' or the news. We would read the sales flyers together and find good deals. We would laugh together and I would kiss her and tell her that I love her. I am still reeling from her illness and death. How quickly she left us. She stopped walking about 2 weeks before her death, but she could still stand probably until a week before her death. And she was semi awake the entire time. On September 2, dad told her he was leaving the hospice center and that he loved her, and she passed away the next morning. A week ago today, we visited with friends and family at the funeral home. Out of the blue, a former friend that I knew 25 years ago left a message on my answering machine. I don't think I have the strength to call her back even though I am curious as to why she is in the area. I have been working through my mother's passing in this online journal and with certain friends. I write and talk to try to make sense of this new normal, a life without my mother, a big hole in my heart.

Not thinking properly

I have been following the pregnancy and birth journey of a young baby on facebook. Sadly, he lost his fight with a chromosomal disorder on August 3rd, exactly one month before my mother went home to heaven. Today I felt compelled to send the baby's mother a budvase with a small teddy bear. The woman at the flower shop was so helpful, as I didn't have the address. I started to cry as I dictated the card message, "My mother went home to Jesus last week. She is in heaven holding baby Jonah." My mother loved babies. When our eldest daughter was born, our mother would stop every day after work to visit her, bringing her an apple or turnover or treat of some kind. So I hope the gift is received with joy and not fear or sadness. I tell this young mother that I am here for her, but I think she is here for me or that we are here on this grief journey together. I feel so bruised and the trigger of the card message shook me to the core. I am still reeling from my mother's short illness and death. I locked myself out of the house and had to crawl through a window to get in because I am not thinking properly.

Life goes on

I mowed the back yard today. It had grown during our vacation, so I could run around the perimeter twice and then empty the grass catcher. The grass was heavy and wet. I ran over the funnel that I used to fill the mower gas tank. My friend, one of the owners, bought us a delicious meal today--grilled chicken, rolls, homemade mashed potatoes and green beans. My husband, son, two daughters and I enjoyed it. So thoughtful! I rode my horse, Hope, this morning. I used a different saddle and I think the stirrups stayed on the ball of my foot better. Did pretty well, but there was an awkward moment when I was giving Hope mixed signals. I am sad that my mother will never see me ride Hope. My husband has an appointment for hearing aids on Tuesday. I am excited as he will be more connected. My son's car needs a new thermostat and it is time for an oil change and to check the air pressure in the tires as one is low. Also the inside door handle stays out and the transmission needs to be tested.

At peace outside with my dogs

I downloaded an ebook "Please have patience with me, I'm grieving." I wish the owner of the flower shop had patience. Today was his first day back after five days off. I had been off nine days so didn't know this. I wanted to pay for my mother's funeral flowers, but he hadn't updated my account yet. So when I asked him about paying, he became defensive. No problem, because I can pay on the account and when he updates the money will be there. He had too much going on. He is giving my son, daughter and me, 2 days of bereavement pay. Our coworkers chipped in and bought us a beautiful sympathy card and a gift certificate to a restaurant. It was so very thoughtful! I am trying to write thank you notes but I can't establish a rhythm. It would be so much easier if they were only from me. I would know how to address my aunts, uncles and cousins, but as it is, it's a mess. I worked for an hour and a half and got 7 written. The only time I feel content is when I am outside with my two dogs.

Beautiful funeral Mass

The granchildren placed the white baptismal cloth on the casket and the undertakers rolled my mother's casket to the front of the church with the children, grand children and great-grandchildren following. The music was words set to Beethoven's "Ode to Joy," Immaculate Mary because my mother prayed the rosary, "I am the Bread of Life" and "On Eagle's Wings." My daughter and nephew read the readings, two of my children presented the bread and wine. After the Mass, we had a reception at the parish activity center. The interrment was later in the afternoon. Some friends and family spent some time at my dad's house after. My dad was disappointed that his brother and sister did not come, but I believe that my aunt's husband was having a difficult time. After I came home, I fell asleep for the night. I am working today, the first time in over a week. Had to deal with a couple problems, but I can't think of my mother when I am dealing with orders. I have tried calling my dad twice with no luck. I have to put some kind of safeguard in place.

Funeral mass today

At the end of the visitation last night, EMTs had to come and give my cousin an IV. He had taken too much insulin for the food he had eaten. He and his mother apologized and my brother told him, "Keep on doing that, and I will poke you in the other arm," meaning there is absolutely no need to apologize. Funerals are stressful and tiring. The first two hours of the visitation seemed long, the last two not so much. Happy to see my boss and a coworker, friends my brother grew up with, a former coworker and his wife of my dad's, friends of my sister from the martial arts school, along with aunts, uncles, cousins and their children. I get teary thinking of my sweet aunt, my mother's dearest sister. She lives 4 hours away and my cousins have the responsibiity of driving her to the funeral and back the same day. And the stress of my aunt possibly yelling out something sarcastic during the funeral. It doesn't matter to me if she is disruptive. I will be glad to see her and spend some time with her. She repeats herself over and over. Again, I get sad thinking of my former sister-in-law's elderly mother who drove an hour to visit with my parents while my mother was alive. She, at 89 years old, is facing health issues. She and my sister-in-law showed so much kindness. My other sister-in-law has been grieving her mum for many years. I am hoping that the death of my mother will help her work through the death of her own. I pray that my frail, elderly 90 year old father will have the strength to attend the funeral, the luncheon, the interment and the private meal at his home. It will be a long funeral day. His brother and sister and her husband will be here to support him.

Visitation at the funeral home

Years ago, my mother gave me a charm bracelet. Over the years, she must have added 40 charms. I'd like to wear it to the funeral home because she gave it to me, but it is noisy and clunky and I am afraid I'll hit someone with it. So, I am wearing the black "angel" bracelet that my daughter gave me. Also a rouched black top that my mother said was "slimming" with black and white dress pants. I took the fruitcake, tomatoes in a mason jar, scrabble game and cards to the funeral home. I thought it might be helpful to have explanations written up so I printed those and taped them to heavy cardboard. I woman at the funeral home said tears come in waves and that is how it has been with me. I'm fine and then something triggers a second of crying. My hope and prayer is that the funeral home can set up for my mother after the Memorial service earlier in the afternoon.

Numb

I seem to be in hyper mode. Busy making a fruit cake, organizing the playing card drawer, building a scrabble game, cleaning the aquarium, walking the dogs. And talking up a storm. I think my dad understands this behavior the best. Seems strange to me. Something is not quite right, because I can't think things through properly. I can't sit still, I don't want to think, I am numb. I am protecting myself by not feeling anything. Tomorrow friends and family will gather at the funeral home to honor my mother who passed away early Saturday morning. Her funeral Mass is Friday. I went to visit my 90 year old dad, who, is conflicted. On the one hand, he misses my sweet mother but on the other, he is now free to come and go as he pleases. We went to the funeral home and several banks today. I am eager to see my mother, to kiss her cheek and tell her I love her. I am so very grateful for the 64 years that she was in my life. Interesting, but my grandfather passed away when my Dad was 64. She loved flowers and I am excited about the arrangements that have been sent. I will enjoy talking to people and listening to their stories. I hope to see my uncle who just spent 8 weeks in the hospital. I think of my mother when I hear the music from Jeopardy because we watched the program together. I see her pretty flowers and I think of the Monday that I brought them. I asked her, "Which color is your favorite?" and she said smiling, "All of them." I straighten the three butterflies--one pink, one yellow, one orange--and know how much she enjoyed them. I realize that it is not about me. It is about my dad, my siblings, my aunts, uncles and cousins.