Doing the best I can

I went grocery shopping the other day, and as I pushed my cart up to the next marked square in the check out line, the woman in front of me said "6 feet!"  From then on I made sure I was way back from her.  Perhaps it took all her courage to go to the grocery store and she was feeling deep fear.  So if I could help her by staying far away, I would do it.  I've noticed that very few people want to chat.  They seem deep inside their heads.  Today I walked the dogs and actually was able to say hello to a couple and acknowledge the beautiful day.  My husband has been sad and I recognize that he has his reasons to be down.  He has had a wracking cough for 16 days.  He has been confined to the house.  I can tidy the house, make dinner, chat with him, but I can't turn back the clock to pre COVID days.  I am trying to be non judgmental.   Few people have been through a pandemic before and we are all doing the best we can.

My timeline

Certainly as I celebrated Christmas with my family, I wasn't thinking COVID-19.  We were redecorating the house.  We had carpenters, painters and carpet installers.  I was hoping that the work would be finished by Christmas, but it wasn't.  With all that was happening at home,  I missed any announcement about the mysterious pneumonia that was killing people in China.  However I was somewhat familiar with coronavirus when I read about the death of Dr. Li Wenliang on February 7.  I remember offering a prayer for three stranded cruise ships in early February.  For a year, my sister, niece, daughter and I had planned to attend the Philadelphia flower show in late February and early March.  The first positive New York case was discovered that weekend.  I returned home and the governor closed bars, restaurants and casinos and later issued a shelter in place order.  So now with lots of time on my hands, I read every scientific article to try to make sense of this disease.   What is coronavirus?  How does it affect the human body?  Where did the virus originate?  When will the virus disappear?  Will we develop herd immunity?  I read an excellent article in The Atlantic authored by Ed Yong about how the pandemic will end.  The story is evolving.



 

Chatted with my sister

I try to call my sister once a week.  We talked about the anger people feel because they can't purchase their plants and seeds at the local garden centers.  She can't understand why people are angry.  Sometimes I feel angry.  Yes, I am very very grateful and most of the time I am content during the lockdown, but to be honest sometimes I am angry.  I also realized that I am not trusting of elected officials.  The lockdown and purchase prohibitions remind me too much of the novel 1984.  I am not optimistic that life will return to anything like normal any time soon.  It's surreal because I don't know anyone that has or had COVID.  COVID is an unseen enemy that has turned my life upside down.  I have seen the YouTube video by Dr. Vong explaining that the virus is not media hype and how it kills.  During this trying time, I acknowledge people's feelings--grief, anger, fear, loneliness because people are going through different and conflicting feelings.

Video doctor appointment

Today I called the clinic about my husband's cough.  The nurse arranged a video call with a doctor.  The doctor diagnosed the cough as lingering from the flu and prescribed two cough suppressants.  The cough medicine is coming from an online pharmacy.  We are both relieved to know the diagnosis.  Since the beginning of quarantine on March 23, I have been considering purchasing a gaming system.  A gaming system would allow my husband and me to play online games with our children.  I 'm hopeful the games will provide a connection and a distraction.  On Christmas we all played video games as a family and had a great time.  So today I ordered the system and it is scheduled to arrive by Monday.  I am watching videos to learn how to set the system up and how to purchase the games and play online.    I walked my little mini dachsund a few days ago and she broke a front claw.  It was so painful that for the last few days I had to leave her in the backyard while I walked our puggle.   Today she was able to walk with us.

Candle of hope

A gentle rain is falling.  I hear it on the roof and it comforts me after a tough day.  It's day 10 of my husband's illness.  I have been cooking, serving, cleaning, steeping tea and shopping for groceries.  It started with a flu, then a cough and the cough has now become bronchitis.  I am out of patience, not physically tired, just finished with this illness.  Since my children are all quarantined  we set up an Easter zoom meeting, but my husband played with all the tablet buttons throughout the meeting.  And technology is not a substitute for a warm hug from my children and grandchildren.  I am searching for connectedness.  Perhaps playing a video game with my husband, once he gets medicine for his cough, or playing an online game in real time with my son and daughter.  In spite of the quarantine and my husband's cough, he and I celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary with a wonderful meal.  I saw a photo of Pope Francis lying prostrate praying and I think I should do the same.  Knock, knock, knock on Heaven's door praying that the virus will go away, the sick will be healed, the grieving will be comforted.  Our parish priest suggested that I place a candle in the window--a candle of hope.

Quarantined 'til April 30

As expected, the governor announced quarantine until April 30.  She announced other restrictions too.  Also working to discover why Black communities have more COVID cases than the rest of the state.  I'm not even going to conjecture when and in what form that I'll go back to work.  My husband still coughs but he has no breathing difficulties and eats well.  He worries about the economy.  He feels angry and frustrated.  I recognize his feelings but there I little I can say to help him feel differently.  I read an article written by a psychologist and she wrote that there are three responses to the bear--fight, flight and frozen.  I act frozen.  I can't pray, not really.  I can't lose myself in fiction novels (which I love), I lost my momentum to follow online exercise.  I can pray the rosary, holding onto the beads like they're a physical ladder to Heaven, I sing and play music but I cry, I write to express my feelings but tears run down my face and I use my tee to dry them.  I walk the dogs tho yesterday my little mini dachsund broke a claw down to the quick.  So it was a slow walk in the wind and cold.  I hoed my garden and saw sprouts which signify hope.  I clean and cook and play electronic games and every so often chat with someone on my cell.  I devour scientific information about COVID.

Sick husband but don't think it's COVID

Last Thursday, my husband said he didn't feel well.  He had a low fever and cough.  He is eating well.  I have spent the last few days taking care of him.  I make meals, bring him tea with honey and water to try to curb his cough 😷.  On the positive side, he eats well and breathes fine.  I don't think he has COVID.  He might have influenza A or B.  I watch him because he is 75 years old.  I'm not physically exhausted but I am tired of nursing him and bored.  He grumbled at me a couple times yesterday because he is frustrated with the cough.  Tonight I felt pent up but cooking dinner and watering the plants eased the feeling.  I'm sure we will be in quarantine at least 'til April 30 and I am trying to adjust to the new situations as best I can.