Only symptomatic

What exactly is the problem? I've been trying to figure this out since Friday when I got so angry. The anger is symptomatic of a bigger issue. I am jealous, which is ridiculous because I have every thing I need. My husband complains that he has no energy. My dad says he thinks my mother is losing her mind. He also said she hadn't eaten all day. I know from personal experience that acuity of mind and food are correlated. I am not looking forward to the camping trip up north. In previous years, it was a reunion, a sharing of fellowship. This year I will intensely miss the presence of other family members.

A Visitor

Last night, lightning flashed and thunder boomed. A gentle rain poured down watering the parched lawn and flowers. Our hound pound Max panted and paced. He is afraid of the thunder. Of a sudden, the bed dipped and we heard a big "whomp" as Max plopped betweeen us on the bed. The storm continued with floor rattling thunder. Eventually as the last thunder rolled off into the distance, Max stopped panting and settled down.

Like a hedgehog

I am workingfor a few hours this morning at the branch store. In between customers, I have ample time to mull. I am sad, because for the first time in over a quarter century, my parents will not be making the trip north to Burt Lake. My mother has care issues and it would be too hard. She got angry with me when I helped her shower and later when I tried to help her use the toilet. It will be much better when non-family aides help her with these chores. Do I mind that she got angry with me? Not really. My husband tactlessly answered when I told him, "I figured they wouldn't go." or some such. I regret that I don't have anyone to share my thoughts. I'm not looking for answers but someone to listen. The past two weeks have been hard--changes upon changes piling one on top of the other and I am trying to process them. I just finished the novel by a British author, "No, I Don't Want to Join a Book Club." She writes a book in the guise of fiction about turning 60. Of course, we have the new grandbaby, first one! and the death of a friend from lung cancer which unfortunately struck too close to home.

Serving No Worthwhile Purpose

I am focusing on a couple thoughts. What does one need to validate their existence? New email? Facebook? A phone call? Conversation? Interaction at home, work or martial arts? My friends, family and coworkers are busy living life. They should not have to worry about validating my existence.

Whenever my mind tries to go to online friend, I cut it off by repeating, "this is serving no worthwhile purpose." His persona was an illusion, a misrepresentation, my mind's creation.

My mother, dad and brother are driving to the State Park today. I am so locked in with work (coworkers are on vacation) and circuit training and HKD that I have decided to not camp overnight, but rather spend a day at the lake.

Is real life story the inspiration for novel?

I just finished the book Maybe a Miracle by Brian Strause. As I read I was struck by a feeling of deja vu. I remembered reading the story of a young Miracle Coma Girl though I couldn't remember her name. I wonder if the real-life story of Audrey Marie Santo of Massachusetts is the inspiration for the novel.

"The Only Constant in Life is Change"

Last night after work, my son and I enjoyed a delicious meal of miso, salad with ginger dressing, ademame and several different kinds of sushi. We topped it off with sweet fried ice cream. My son is thinking about a new career--one where he does not have to work 70 hours a week, where he earns money and can meet other people. I have enjoyed working with him at the store, but I understand that he feels it's time to move on.

Today my daughter came home from work and asked me about forensic science. She does not want to pursue marketing any longer. She is at a crossroads also.

I do not want a job change, but leaving has flitted through my head because of the woman that makes me uncomfortable. I did not say much to her today and I feel badly about it, but tomorrow I will tell her that I've been preoccupied and ask her to refrain from touching or poking me. I am not the only one receiving these weird vibes.

Okay, I am Committed

For several reasons, I am committed to a healthy lifestyle as of yesterday. The first reason and the most important is that my black belt with my name is now hanging in the dojang. All I have to do to earn it is push myself and stay focused. This means eating healthy (fruits, veggies, grains, a bit of lean meat and chicken) and circuit training every day. I need to increase the INTENSITY of my workouts. I would hope to go into the black belt test with optimum physical and mental preparedness. I want my trainer to say as he did with the key member of our HKD class, "Everyone should test the way he did!" The offshoot of this training will be that my bone density will improve and my BP will be normal. The endorphins will squash and overcome the feelings of sadness that I have had this last week. I heard that one is as young as one feels. I want to feel young, vibrant, beautiful...

A Surprise

It has been a week since my online friend pulled the plug on our email chats. My husband was in the hospital for four days. A coworker is returning from a vacation and to be honest she gives me the heebie jeebies. She STARES at me and then tells me that I have toothpaste by my mouth or a piece or orange pulp in my eyebrow. She "pokes" me. For some reason she thinks this is fun. I do not want to be stared at or poked, and probably will have to say something, at least about the poking. I try to keep my distance, out on the floor and away from her. Honestly I'm dreading her return and having to work with her. Today I got back into circuit training mode at the dojang and took class. As I was standing at attention, I noticed my black belt with my name hanging on the front wall. I am probably 2 years away from testing for it.

Bothersome headaches

My husband had an excruciating headache yesterday. This is the 4th bad headache in a week. I had attributed the first three to high BP and stress due to the oblation. Now I am wondering. Is the cause of the headaches due to something other than the procedure, that it was strictly coincidence that he was in the hospital at the time?

Today is our family reunion at the lake, the only time I can visit with these relatives. My cousins grill brats and burgers and everyone brings a dish to pass. Since last year, an aunt and the spouse of a cousin have passed.

I made it to HKD and sparring yesterday. My trainer jokingly called me a "slacker" but what could I do when I was sitting up at the hospital. I have to be careful with tasks anyway (cooking, driving) because I am distracted.

I still feel as if I was run over by a Mack truck--the 4 days that my husband was in hospital, my online friend so thoroughly burning the bridge, (1 week today) and the changes we are implementing for my mother's care. I have been doing well at work, although I don't believe that I ever learned the correct way to balance the register.

Decisions

My coworker fell the end of April and fractured her arm and dislocated her elbow, necessitating surgery and a work hiatus of six weeks. She is now trying to get back on track. She had looked forward to doing some grocery shopping yesterday on her day off, but the money wasn't put on her card, so her much-anticipated trip was postponed. Her cell phone bill was due the end of the month and she hasn't been able to pay it, so it is likely it will be turned off. In spite of loans from managers, she is struggling.

My problems seem picayune compared to hers. Little things at home bother me. The closed drapes in the living room that would be open if my husband were at work. The glade air freshener by my laptop. My husband's things on the dining room table.

I am trying to decide:
Should I register for another rec center class?
My parents and brother are going to the state park for a week. Do I want to go?
Perhaps I should join a local writing support group.

The question is what do I want to do?

Worked alone

One of my coworkers left for a seminar last week and another leaves on vacation tomorrow. I worked the front alone until 1:00 p.m. and I must say it was very pleasant. Another coworker leaves the last week of July and I'm trying to figure out if I can cover all my shifts and go on vacation that week. We will see. Our daughter did the discharge run from the hospital. My cell phone rang as I was with a customer and as the president of the company stood by. Wouldn't you know! I told him it was discharge information. But husband and daughter managed to find each other. I missed 2 HKD classes, 1 sparring class and 2 softball games during the hospital fiasco, but managed to circuit train Tues and today. I am drenched when I'm finished and have to hit the shower. I watered the rhododendron. The new plants struggle in the heat and drought. I do not have the energy to invest in another online friend. Our online relationship became a struggle when he became single. His status changed; mine did not. I think that about sums it up in a nutshell. Even though I invested countless hours writing encouraging, empathetic, supportive email, I did not turn my back on my family or friends. My mother, father, husband, children and friends are still around when my online friend moved on to greener pastures.

Oblation Today

My husband had his oblation today. He was shivering when he came back up to his room, so we covered him with warm blankets. Gradually he warmed up, and started to feel better. His doctor told me that he should be able to come home tomorrow. I am tired after waiting and wondering and visiting up at the hospital. I lost him for a minute. The patient transporter had taken him up to his room and left me behind.

I stopped at the library and checked out 4 new books. I'm not quite sure of the genre. The books have a slight mystery but aren't as dark as the mysteries I've been reading.

I called my daughter and wished her a happy Peruvian adventure. She leaves on Friday.

I am doing okay

Slowly, slowly I am healing from the loss of my friend. As my boss requested I am not "moping around." My son moped around for months when his love left the store and got another job. But because of that he could truly tell me "I'm sorry." Told me that the cure was sushi! I smiled because that was how I tried to help him, by inviting him to have a plate of sushi. And work colleagues talked to me about folks misrepresenting themselves on text and online. The friendship never developed the way I thought it would anyway. I was expecting helpful suggestions for writing and a book collaboration. I thought he would be forthcoming which he never was. You ask then, why in the world is she so upset? The writing was totally one-sided.

The three dogs and I are holed up in my bedroom. The painters will be working on the front doors and the doors have to remain open to dry and not stick. They are thinking the painting will be finished by noon. I am listening to one unhappy whining puggle.

My husband is not sure what is going on. It looks like he will be released. If so, he says he will not reschedule the procedure. I understand, and since it his condition is asymptomatic, think he's making a good choice.

I am going to my dad's to meet with the home care owner today. Many options and decisions to be made.

Complications

My husband and I were up at 5:30 to be at the cardiovascular center by 6:30. The nurses explained the procedure and I kissed him goodbye as he was wheeled away. Got a call a couple hours later from the doctor explaining that his BP had skyrocketed and his lungs had filled with fluid, and that all was well, but the procedure had to be postponed. So I spent the last several hours chilling with him in his hospital room. I also had to do damage control. My sweet father called and told me that my mother was upset with the idea of home care, and that he thought she would be angry at my sister and me. So I took her some beautiful white and lavender glads, arranged them in a vase, and told her about the "thinking" meeting tomorrow with the head of the home care aides. I told her that we needed her ideas for her comfort. On a positive note, the painters finished the front and back of the house and the back storm door. Looks beautiful!

There are no new messages in your inbox

Sad, isn't it? You would think that I would be numb to that message. I'm not, however and every time I look at it, it reminds me of my loss. My friend and daughter say that he will miss me and write. I don't think so. Perhaps he wanted something that I couldn't give him. Maybe he is in a new relationship and needs to invest all his time in nurturing that relationship. Good thing I have strong shoulders. My friends and I have gone our separate ways, but I've never had a terminated online friendship before. If only I had opted out first! There is my husband's heart procedure tomorrow, not serious, only an overnight, and interviewing home care workers for my mother, who insists she doesn't want them, and the women at work who insist on coming in and padding the schedule. The boss says, "At least LOOK like you're busy!" At least I talked to my father and lifted the cloud that was hanging over his head about my mother's displeasure with the workers.

It happened

I got an email today from a friend telling me that his email address was going to self-destruct in 24 hours, that's it's time to move on. So after 2 years, it has happened, the end of thousands, millions of words back and forth, admittedly most of them from me. I can't say I really understand except that friends have to be committed to each other, and both sides have to do their part to keep the friendship alive. And if he chooses to let the friendship lapse, then I really have no choice but to let it go. For days now, he has been giving away nothing, not allowing me even the tiniest insight into what is going on. I wish him well, and thank him for two beautiful gifts that he gave me which remind me of him.