Hospice

Leaving for vacation tomorrow and my son flies to France on Friday. We are a bundle of nerves because we don't know when my mother will be called home. She sleeps all the time although I was shocked when she heard and responded hello to me, one last time. She is slipping away fast, will be moved to hospice soon. I hope and pray the transfer is gentle and pain free. Dad is beginning to accept that his soul mate of nearly 70 years is leaving. My son came 265 miles to visit with his grandma. My other son and sweet daughter had lunch with us. It was a joyful time in the midst of much sadness.

Woke up early

A gloomy gray day here. My dad called me at work for help, but I work the branch store by myself. Weighed whether or not I should call my sister. Decided to call her, but woke her up, because she couldn't sleep. She had a tough evening getting mother ready for bed. Wondering if palliative care in a hospice center might be the best option for my mother. My sister believes that dad is in denial. I wondered the same the other day, because if he wasn't, he would see my mother's limitations. I haven't seen the inability to take the 3 evening pills or the violent trembling that my sister saw yesterday. Worrried too because I usually cook on Tuesday and I am stuck here at work. Maybe my husband will pitch in? Will stop by and help after work. Not so worried about vacation because as we near it, know that any arrangements will have to wait until after Labor Day, Sept. 6.

Vacation begins Thursday

My family and I are getting ready to go camping for a few days. I have helped my parents almost every day this past week and I am tired. I plan to take a camp chair, place it under a tree and relax. Most of the gear is in the car and trailer. Need to load our suitcases and food and we will be off on Thursday. I am excited--time for myself. I hope we can eat at the restaurant on Lake Huron (where we ate last yr) and walk on the boardwalk. I would like to visit my aunt and uncle who live in assisted living about 30 miles from the campground. I plan to call them on Thursday to see if we can visit for a while. One of my work colleagues agreed to take care of the furbabies. She came over on Sunday and met the dogs, cats, rabbit and fish. I believe that my mother has ataxia. One of her aides works with a client who also has ataxia. She suggested a hospital bed in the living room. Hard for both parents, I think. Mother has had a couple good days. Tomorrow my parents celebrate their 69th anniversary. Made a mistake today because my son said, "Next year they will celebrate their 70th," and I forgot myself and said, "This will be their last one."

Praying for wisdom

Thank you for taking the time to read these entries. This diary is a way for me to work through things. I pray for wisdom for my family as my mother continues to sleep a lot and lose cognition. I went over yesterday and spoke to mother. Her hairdresser had come and her hair looked beautiful. Mother told me, "I did my hair myself. I should do it more often." I picked up her hand to check the length of her nails, and she said, "Please don't hurt me." I never do sugar level checks, but my dad does and she was afraid of a needle. Sad. I served up some corn and black bean salsa and she enjoyed two bowlfuls. We changed her for bed and then rolled her into the bedroom and she was able to stand for a second and sit on the bed. Earlier in the morning, her legs collapsed and she sat on the floor. My son and a friend went to the house and used the hoyer to get her in her chair. I pray for wisdom. My dad wants to take her by ambulance to the hospital for an evaluation. I really don't want her to be poked and prodded, but if the evaluation is non intrusive and determines that palliative care is necessary, then for my dad's sake I will go along with it. It will be painful and stressful for my mother. She hates pokes and the pain of the blood pressure cuff. I really don't see how going to the hospital will lengthen her life. I propose either palliative care at home with a nurse and other caregivers or care at the hospice center here in the city. Got upset with my dad because he said, "I can't take care of her any more. Going on vacation was great." Yes, my dad needs help, I'll see that he gets it, but he can't give up the race (care) at the home stretch (going to Heaven). I have to realize, however, that the pent up frustration, I heard, was anger at my mother's condition, because I have never seen a more committed, dedicated caregiver than my dad. He alone has kept her going for the past 5 or so years.

Nearing the end of her life.

I am fairly certain that my sister is right, that my mother is nearing the end of her life. She sleeps a lot, does not interact with others, signs the cross continually, and appears to have some sort of uncoordination going on, along with the immobility. My sister and I agree that my mother should continue to live at home until she goes to Heaven. A hospital bed in the living room and a hospice nurse would make her more comfortable. Transfers from a bed to her lift chair are not possible or safe any more. My father has taken wonderful, compassionate care of my mother. They celebrate their 69th wedding anniversary on Aug 30. I am peaceful as I know that I could not have done more to take care of my mother. My vacations that last few years have been working vacations. We went camping, but I took care of my mother so my dad could enjoy a few days rest. I stayed with her during my dad's great western adventure. I brought flowers so that she always had carnations and a red rose. I played countless games of scrabble, read magazines with her, took her to the nail salon and the department store. Yes, I am at peace.

Figuring things out and riding

I went to the house Monday morning, and we still had difficulty getting my mother from the bed to the lift chair. I was very depressed at work all day, knowing that my mother had become immobile. Interesting that she commented as we tried to lift her,"I've forgotten how to walk." I stopped by after work, and she was sleeping. She did rouse for an hour, long enough to munch on some crackers and cheese and have 2 dishes of salsa, a bit of red pop. We also read the grocery store sale paper. She was able to lift herself to a standing position 4 times, more than she did in the morning. Heading over today, to try to make a plan. My brother called to talk to dad, specifically to let Dad know he has made cremation arrangements for himself. I was able to ride today, cried a lot on the way there about this situation with my mother. It was a good lesson. I mounted on the new wooden mount. It is higher and easier on the horses backs. The most fun was the happy time I had putting Hope thru parts of Equestrian tests A and B for the horse show this weekend.

Geriatric Problems

About three weeks ago, on a Thursday, my mother started coughing. She had a physical scheduled for Monday. The doctor said that the symptoms seemmed like an allergy and suggested Allegra because the medicine would not interact with her other meds. I thought my dad would get her some, but he did not. The cough seems to be changing and I wonder if she has bronchitis. The constant coughing could be irritating her bronchii. I can hear her breathe when I am near and my sister said that my mother does not want to get out of bed in the morning. Also, she has no strength to walk. My sister called and asked if I could help my dad get my mother settled for the night tomorrow. When we were talking, she commented that my father thinks the lack of strength is from low iron, I think it is from her cough and my sister believes my mother is nearing the end of her life, that she is wearing out. It's anyone's guess as my mother is 88 years young. I did get her some Allegra, and I plan to go to the house in the morning. I am hoping that if I orient my mother, let her lie in bed for a half hour and then get her up, she will have more strength. I stopped after work, raised her chair, put cream on her elbow, turned on golf and chatted with her. Prior to my visit, both parents were napping. I am cleaning the kitchen and then heading over again. Such is the life when I have 90 year old parents. However, my sister-in-law commented, "I wish I had 90 year old parents." She still grieves the loss of her mother after many years.