Fearful of the unknown, unfamiliar and change

It has been a year since my mother passed away. Such a sad time last September. We had our family reunion at the State Park up north. All the family was together except for our oldest son. Walks along the beach, golf, miniature golf, grilled burgers and hot dogs over the fire, Mass outside. We were truly blessed. Nine of us together including a 3 month old baby girl. Good memories. Going on vacation is exhausting. Packing, setting up the trailer, gazebo and tent. Covering the tent with plastic to protect everone inside from rain. Unpacking, putting equipment away, cleaning the trailer and laundry. We have a bit of to-do list for the pop-up. I accidently put a three cornered tear in the vinyl so we need to patch it. The seat back rest was stapled and the staples didn't hold. One of the support poles needs to be made shorter. We celebrated my birthday with a pizza party and ice cream sundaes and some prosecco. We hadn't visited with my dad in two weeks because we were on vacation and then he went camping. We made dinner and chatted with him last night. He talked to his brother and sister in Florida and everyone is fine. I wish I wasn't afraid of everything. Where did I get this timidity? It's fear of the unfamiliar and the unknown and change.

Resolving issues

Little baby granddaughter, Autumn, was baptized on Aug 6th. We celebrated at the house after the ceremony. The weather was neither too hot or too cold, so everyone enjoyed the backyard. A compatible group. My niece could not find a place to park near the church so she decided to go to her grandpa's house. Later she brought my dad over to visit for a bit. So nice to see him--he hadn't been to the house in about a year. Last weekend I stayed at my daughter's house while she and her husband flew to California for her friend's wedding. Watched granddaughter Autumn, Lily, the golden retriever puppy and Tiger, the cat. No sooner had we arrived at my daughter's house when Lily, the dog, dismantled the baby gate trying to get upstairs with me. When my daughter and her husband are home, Lily gets a lot of attention, but when it is just me, she doesn't get much. On Saturday evening, after she acted out a few times, Autumn and I took her for a short walk. Changed the tenor of the evening. On Sunday, I invited my son over. We ate together and chatted and I took Lily for a long walk. He drove my daughter and her husband home from the airport. I got home around 2am, slept for a few hours and then got up to get ready for work. I like this quote, it makes sense to me. "If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." I was looking at an email my husband sent me and the quote was at the bottom. I desire and try to attain peaceful living. I have been anxious the last few weeks waiting for issues to resolve. Concern about the weather for the baby's luncheon, wondering if my dad was coming up north and how he would get there, securing care for the animals while we are away, huge responsibility of baby, puppy and cat while my daughter and her husband were away. So anxious that I did not feel well.

Fun with dad, sister, grandbaby and friends!

My sister invited my dad and me for lunch at her home on the lake. I was taking care of my little granddaughter so she came to lunch also. It was a nice day so we took the expressway, rode along the river and then took rural roads to my sister's home. I work up at 5am praying for safety as it is a huge responsibility to take a frail 91 year old man and a newborn on a short road trip. We sat and ate our lunch on the deck and watched the boats and swan family on the lake. My sister showed me pictures of her vacation. My dad had a nice chat with us, got animated when my brother in law came home fromm work. Yesterday, I took my dad on a bank errand and then had dinner with three friends. It was exactly what I needed. Social interaction. We had a good time and shared a few laughs. All is well when I can laugh aloud. My dad has been trying for 18 months to get home health aides. He was not approved before, nurse suggested a housekeeper and cook. But finally he has become frail enough to be approved. His health aides will help him shower and dress in addition to preparing his meals. He hopes to have them drive him around on errands and to doctor appointments. He is looking forward to visiting with his brother and sister next month. They and my brother and sister plan to have lunch together. Dad is going to talk with his brother about pulling the trailer about 250 miles north and camping together. We'll see what my uncle has planned. My friend has been moved to a traumatic brain injury center near my home. She will have music, physical and occupational therapy. So sad about the ride accident at the fair. Praying for the families of all those involved. Such a heart breaking accident. Next month I have to pay a huge medicare premium. Stressful.

Grammie takes care of granddaughter

My daughter returned to work after her maternity leave and I cared for my granddaughter. I have a riding lesson on Tuesday morning, so my son watched the baby. My instructor commented that is alright to do the grandma thing, but not at the expense of all my interests. Her insight reaffirmed my decision to continue with my lessons. And when I came home, my son had fed the baby and was rocking her as she slept. He had a good time bonding with her and is excited about watching her in a week or so. No lesson next week as the horses will be at the 4H fair. My husband anchored the car seat in the back of the car. May still have to adjust the straps and the infant seat position, once the baby is in the seat. My son in law was picking her up from care yesterday and I asked my daughter if he had a reminder to take the baby out of the truck after they arrived home. So easy to become preoccupied and forget that a sleepy baby is in the carseat in the back. Because my friend is either brain-injured or heavily medicated and not in touch with reality, I am more at ease about the infrequency of my visits. She has such a long road to recovery--both thigh bones broken, learning to feed herself, getting off a liquid diet, weaning off painkillers. I miss her so much, my little sister. Glad to have the company of my little granddaughter. My youngest daughter needs to move out of her house. Trying to figure how to get the heavy furniture home. Probably need a truck or trailer and lots of help.

Walking the dogs

Lots of actvities at the school fields near my house. Six children's soccer teams practiced kicking drills. A young man drove his remote control airplane. Children climbed on the playground equipment. Usually the dogs and I walk in early evening when it is cool. The sun shines, the green grass smells sweet, the hum of activity comforts the soul. For a few minuutes, I forget my concerns. I find peace in walking the dogs. Maui, dainty little mini dachsund jogs with her ears flying. Pudge waddles along, sometimes rolling on his back. He stops to sniff and then scampers up to Maui and me. A pleasant hour.

Company

After the last visit with my friend at the rehab center, I had to really psych myself up to go visit her. I considered asking my husband to go with me, but decided it was not a good idea. I drove to the rehab center, signed in and went down the hall to her old room. She had been moved closer to the nurse's station. She said my name and grabbed my hand. I sat and held her hand until I had to leave. She has day and nightmares--thought that all the nurses had died, that she too was going to die, asked if I was her guardian angel. I miss our nightly talks and lunches together. Sad that my connection with her is gone for now. I will start babysitting for my sweet granddaughter on Monday. A blessing to have company.

Sun and fun at the horse show.

Since I worked until 6pm on Saturday, I could not go to church on Sat. The earliest service is at 7am on Sunday. I had to be at the horse show by 8am. I decided to go to church Sunday evening. Didn't enjoy it much as it was folk and loud and the presider talks very quickly and runs his sentences together. But at least I made it to church. I arrived at the farm a little after 8am. My first test was at 9am. The judge was more critical than last year's. I veered to the right trotting in, didn't have enough bend, my body alignment was off, the circles were too small and the horse needed to be more forward. I didn't place on this test..score of 98 out of 160. My teacher told me that I made a few glitches and to clean it up for the 2nd test. I was not going to read the comments, but one of the other riders told me that if was possible to do beter after learning what to work on. The horse ignored me while I was practicing. Scared that she wouldn't stop. Walked her in tight circles until she behaved per my instructor. The test was going along, when toward the end, I cued Hope and she veered away from the circle. I didn't understand what happened, still don't, but trotted her around and up the center with a nice halt. I did a nice recovery and placed 6th and we got a ribbon. We had energy, good halts, are a compatable team, need to work on consistency. I enjoyed watching the other riders til I found out from a work colleague that I had written the wrong date on an order. I feel terrible that we missed the delivery. I am triple checking all the information, dates, spelling, product, card message. However, I can still have difficulty with customer's perceived value of product and their vision.