Cat has cancer

I have been so busy with my mother's illness and funeral that I didn't notice that my Ali cat has lost lots of weight and is not eating. I don't think there is much that I can do. She is skeletal and has stopped rushing to the front door to let us know that her brothers want to be let in. I just assume that my poor kitty has feline leukemia or cancer. Doing all I can to love her and keep her comfortable. She had a close call last December with food and flea allergies and lived almost a year since. My husband enjoyed his birthday cookout and gifts--his hockey shirt with a player who has the same number as his age, a grill for camping and a framed photo of the college stadium, along with two funny cards. And today he got an e-card and the bowling team bought him a beer. Busy, busy at work. The time flew by. I am so glad to have my "weekend." Tomorrow and Wednesday off. Been trying to figure out how to save my outside plants through the winter. I don't know if I can pile leaves on the azaleas and mum plants so that they survive the cold, cold winter. I might drive to a nursery tomorrow to get suggestions. Yesterday my manager gave me a mum plant. My brother was helping my dad cut down a dead tree yesterday, so I offered it to him. It is hearty, should come back next year. My brother was quiet, just sent happy birthday wishes to my husband. He misses my mother too. On Sunday, my son and I drove to the the hospital chapel to attend Mass, but there was no Mass. So I had to drive to the church where we held my mother's funeral. I held it together until the last song, which we sang at her funeral, and then I became emotional. I am grateful that most Sundays I attend Mass at the hospital chapel. Not so many memories. I asked Dad about his meeting with the cemetery curator. The curator pointed out the head of the grave, which faces west. The monument will be place with the writing facing the foot. So relieved to know all is well.

Careful with people

A coworker was friendly today, but I don't trust the friendliness. She is a crocodile with a smile. She is constantly finding fault. I asked my husband if he wanted to go grocery shopping. Before we went to the store, we went to an inexpensive restaurant together. We bought the groceries for his birthday party tomorrow. He opened the trunk and when he saw my mother's walker, he said, "What is THAT doing there?" I felt that his tone of voice was critical. I told him that I had driven over to my friend's office, but she was not working that day because she was attending a funeral, and I would go back on Wednesday. He also saw that I had charged items at the flower shop and when I told him it was a birthday present for him, he said, "I don't need a truck with flowers in it." I would never consider getting him flowers because he wouldn't appreciate them. I can't be around people that are critical, demeaning and insensitive. I was telling a customer that I am most comfortable around animals, cats, dogs and horses because they can't talk. 5 weeks ago today, my mother died. Since then, I have had stomach pain, am so sensitive, I cry if someone says "boo, worry about my dad and eldest daughter, and can't get along with anyone because I get upset. Oh joy.

Lonely

It is not a new feeling, but my heart is lonely. Sometimes I feel like I should call or talk to my mother, before I realize that she is not here anymore. I am so grateful for friends that send sympathy cards, even now, because I know that my mother and I are not forgotten. Though I want to tell everyone that my mother died, I try to keep quiet, as my attention should be on the person and his or her concerns. The anniversary, the birthday, the new baby or sadly, the funeral. The person does not need me blathering on that my mother died. My friends invite me out to dinner or to go on an outing because they know my sould is sad. On a happier note, my husband's birthday is coming up and we are celebrating it on Sunday. We are having a cook out, so perhaps I'll go shopping this evening. We'll see what his plans are. My daughter bought him a small propane grill, my other daughter got him a shirt, and my son, youngest daughter and I purchased a black and white framed photo of the college football stadium. He wanted an old photo of the stadium. I hope he likes it. Hurricane Matthew has devastated Haiti and killed many people. I'm thankful for the organizations that are helping. 500,000 people in Florida are without power.

A Stressful Outing

I picked up my friend from her day program and drove to the grocery store. She borrowed a motorized cart and headed to the magazine section where she chose a puzzle book. I wanted to purchase crayons to go with the coloring book so we went to the back of the store. Stopped to check out needles in the craft section, but there weren't any that were suitable. I bought dog and cat food and then we went to the chip and pop section. And wouldn't you know, with all the room in the big store and all the stores in the city, my friend would bump right into her house manager. He gave her a bad time about everything... the motorized cart, the chips and the pop. She cried and cried. We then went to the restaurant and she decided on a cheeseburger, fries and diet coke. I know her house manager is right...a healthy diet is important, and perhaps next time we can buy healthy snacks and a healthy lunch. I really didn't need this encounter today. It's like the time another friend and I were discussing a coworker only to have the person in front of us recognize who we were talking about. Moral...keep mouth shut. I dropped my friend off, and headed to my husband's hearing aid appointment. I was 10 minutes late. I then had to go back to my friend's day program because I had driven off with her backpack. She seemed a bit more settled. Tonight she called and I guess she gave the house manager the beans, "You can control what I eat in the house, but when I am out, I am my own guardian and can choose what I want to eat." My friend and her house manager push each other's buttons.

Dad is upset

I went out to the farm today to ride. I saw on the whiteboard that I was riding Casper, the grey. Casper was out in the pasture, so I found a lead rope and took an apple piece and went to get him. I put on the halter and encouraged Casper to follow. He stood still and wouldn't budge. Didn't quite know what to do, but eventually he decided to move. He stood quietly while I groomed him, got a bit antsy as I saddled him. The first circuit around the arena was good, but during the second, he decided to wander. I had forgotten he did that. He has an uneven gait so my elbows were flying all over. Had to work to keep my hands up and elbows still. Toward the end of the lesson, I learned to use my inside leg to get the horse to "bend." Head tilted, rib cage in. It's hard work at a walk, can't imagine doing it at a trot, but it went well. I gave Casper carrots and apples and let him loose in the pasture. I went with two friends to the rural Cider Mill. I bought two kinds of apples, cider, cinnamon sugar donuts, and a coloring book for the little boy that we are seeing in a week or so. My husband and I drove to my Dad's house to make dinner and eat with him. Ham, sweet potatoes, corn, with candy for dessert. My dad couldn't sleep last night because he had stopped at the cemetery yesterday and is not sure that there is room for my mother's headstone. He plans to talk to the curator. I am hoping that my mother is buried in the proper lot. I had to call my friend and ask her if I could pick her up earlier. My husband asked me to go to his hearing aid appointment. She said the earlier time would be fine.

One month anniversary

Sept 3rd, the one month anniversary of my mother's death, the day she went to Heaven. I received a card from a friend that worked with me at the inn. On the cover, "I like to think of sunbeams as those we love, reaching down to remind us they are not very far at all," and inside, "To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die." by Thomas Campbell. My daughter's sister in law and brother in law invited us for dinner in a couple weeks. I tried very hard to write thank you notes that would touch those people who received them. This young woman is raising a very difficult 4 year old son and I hoped to encourage her. It is very sweet of her to make dinner so that I don't have to cook. Tomorrow I have a riding lesson and then a friend and I are going to the apple orchard. I am dreading Wednesday, the day that I am taking my friend to the restaurant and grocery store. We have been friends for 40 years, but I feel that the friendship is one-sided and that the friend is using me. I know she gets little allowance a week, but I still have trouble reconciling the money I spend. I am considering going to martial arts for a bit. I am afraid that if I don't start back soon, I never will return. But it is my mother's anniversary and I am super sensitive, and probably will not be able to handle the masters' corrections well. I need to be around people that accept me as I am at this moment. I made beef ribs for my dad, brother, husband, two of the adult children and me yesterday. They were delicious. My brother and I both sent thank yous to my mother's sister and brother. My brother seemed upset, saying almost the same thing my sister did, "You wrote them even though I marked them?" I forgot when I was looking at the card message for the flowers to check who was writing the note. But at least I didn't write a thank you to my brother's son. A note came from the education trust fund at our church, and even though I sent notes to all these people, I feel like I should write an acknowledgement of their memorial gifts.

Yearning for something

I was reading some old posts from early 2013. My mother was very sick that year with c-diff and a couple bedsores. One post particularily struck me as odd. The text, written 3 years ago, included most of the information that I included in her obituary. I had forgotten that I had written that piece and was shocked by the similarity to her obituary. A friend texted me "How are you doing?" I told her that I am super-sensitive and certain triggers remind me of my mom. She told me, "Be patient. Things will get better." Honestly, it's hard to see how my life will improve. The friend who lives in a group home doesn't converse, she talks about herself. I have to decide whether or not I want to continuue with martial arts. I don't trust certain people to be kind. They always seem frustrated and angry about something. I can't possibly be around them. I'm sure that is why I prefer my dogs, cats and horses. They are there to pet and offer comfort. I seem to be yearning for something and I can't seem to find it, because I can't determine what it is. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Dad said last night, "We miss mother." Yes, I miss her. Tomorrow we are making ribs and potatoes at my dad's and next Sunday we will grill to celebrate my husband's 71st birthday. His choice. The weather broke a bit, cloudy but no rain. I should be able to walk the dogs. Haven't been able to the last few days, because it rained. I am grateful for my husband and children, my job, my friends and extended family, my pets and my horses, and my faith. (notice, faith is rather an afterthought.)