Blue Sky Haikus

Beautiful blue skies
Warm sunshine on my shoulders
Happy omen rays.

Doing what we need
Facing life's complications
Strength, hope and courage.

Ron is my support
Friend and love thirty eight years.
United by life.

Trying to transform
Ridding myself of badness
A new creation.

Blue Skies

How my heart sings, with the sunshine and the blue skies. An omen, perhaps?  We are waiting until we get back my mother's test results to make a decision for her care.  Once we know the diagnosis, we can decide if we need a skilled nursing facility or if we can manage with additional care at home.  My father told me, "We've been together for 65 years," and told my sister, "If i put her in a home, I'll be lonely."  My sister put the wagon before the horse so to speak, told me to call the agency and set up additional care.  I placed the call and the agency suggested that I check with my dad.  Good thing too, as my dad wants to wait for the diagnosis.  He also plans to find help outside the agency.

My oldest daughter's birthday is today.  I became a mom 33 years ago.  Happy happy birthday, dear daughter

Picnic, Anyone?

Let's see...the third or fourth day of snow flurries.  Guess it will be a few months before we can have a picnic

Am I on my head or heels?

The skilled nursing facility near my parents DOES have room and the admissions director is expediting the process.  My dad is taking my mother for a back x-ray and (if the requisiton is available) a chest x-ray.  She needs the latter for the nursing facility.  He will then wait to hear the results of these and the bloodwork.  I talked to him and he told me that he is not sure that he wants to admit my mother to a facility.  I reminded him that she would get good pain management, that we would visit her, bring her flowers like we do at home and that it was the doctor's recommendation that my mother live in a care facility.   Ultimately  it is his decision, and I will help him whether he decides to admit my mother into skilled nursing or we have nurses come to the house.  The doctor, my sister and brother feel that my mother's condition warrants skilled nursing care

Good news though.  I called my sister.  Of course, I couldn't help but cry.  I'm wearing my emotions on my sleeve.  I apologized and at first she wouldn't budge an inch (don't blame her), told me that I wanted to do everything (not really),  said my brother would be the one to help my father decide.  She also had a good point.  My dad sees life in increments.  He would live to see the new millenium.  He would walk across the Mackinac bridge two dozen times.  My mother would live at home until Easter 2013.  I've done all that I can do.

Can't Sleep

More than the crisis with my mother, this problem with my sister is breaking my heart.  I wrote her an apology and am sending it out today.  I did try calling (no answer) and also tried to talk to her before hapkido, but except for a couple words, she ignored me and went about her business, so I didn't have the opportunity.  Maybe I can talk to her today.

The skilled nursing home I visited last Tuesday, is $365 daily.  And since we are caught in limbo land between rehab and hospice, insurance will not cover it.  The 2nd nursing home had a bed available a couple days ago...$9000 month.  And I couldn't get ahold of the 3rd one, sounded like their fax was on, so I will call in a few hours, or drive over if I can't reach someone.  My father would prefer this last nursing home as it is close to his home.  My mother's cries of pain disturb my dad, so I hope we can find a nursing home and admit her by tomorrow.

This is a hellish circle.  Pain meds that cause kidney damage.  My mother is off her water pills because at present she is dehydrated.  The doctor told me that if she were to come off her pills, she would live 6 months.  And so it goes.  My sister knows because less than a year ago, she was in this situation with her mother-in-law.  And so perhaps she is not so much upset with me, as reliving the hell with her husband's mother.

I hope I have work friends at the end of this.  Days off today, tomorrow and Saturday before a busy time at the flower shop.  I am glad as I could see I was edgy and contrary.  I am so preoccupied that I pray several times a day that I don't do something stupid.

I met a man at church who owns a nail salon.  He became close to his God because  he prayed and God healed his back.  So he will well understand my mother's back pain.  I am going to the salon today to ask him if he will come to the house and give my mother a manicure and pedicure.  Not for cosmetic reasons but because the nails are breaking and need cutting.

I noticed on Sunday that my singing voice seemed clearer and that I wasn't coughing as much.  I shoveled the driveway on Saturday, and am surmising that the cool temperatures and exercise cleared up the gunk in my lungs.  I also was able to do jumping jacks and count out loud in hapkido class, whereas before I could  do one or the other but not both at the same time.  I will continue breathing exercises and my campaign to lose weight.  I am so glad the infection is gone.  I was worried that I had permanent lung damage.

Back to Square One

The doctor recommended a skilled nursing facility.  The nursing home that I found does not  feature that level of care.  The doctor listed four possibilities.  None however will accept insurance for care that is long term and not rehabilitative.  So we are stuck in limbo land between rehab and hospice, with the need to get her in a facility where her pain can be managed as soon as possible.  The pain is to be controlled with the same pain reliever that she has been on, a narcotic that makes her sleepy.  The doctor wrote a requisition for a back x-ray, conjecturing that because of the sudden onset of the pain, it could be cancer.  I have a call into the doctor for clarification.  It is nearly impossible to take a bedridden person to an appointment for an x-ray.

Another Nursing Home

My first impression was of a gracious old house...shelves with library books on either side, a grand piano.  I learned later that the lobby is used as a general meeting area, for entertainment and birthday celebrations.  I read the event calendar and noticed Ash Wednesday and Shabat Services.  Also paczki on Fat Tuesday.  And a carpeted staircase to the next floor.   I spoke with the marketing director for a few minutes and then she took me on a tour.  The room  is an unfurnished studio with barrier free bathroom.  My dad can ask the doctor to write a prescription for a hospital bed.  It will help because the head lifts, allowing my mother to get out of bed easier.  We can move my mother's recliner and bedside dinner table.  We could order a new chair for my father.  Take framed pictures of family and friends.  There is a small refrigerator and we can bring in a microwave.  Very much like home.  I wonder, tho, why it is so inexpensive.  Semi private rooms at other nursing homes are $9K-$10K monthly Why is this beautiful home only $6K per month?  Is there something I don't know?  The room is available whenever we can complete the paperwork and the nurse evaluates my mother.

My father complains about my mother's discomfort.  And I feel terrible that I didn't act sooner, make a doctor's appointment when the trouble first started.  It hurts to see them both going through this when it could have been addressed a while ago.  My dad wants to wait and make a decision based on the doctor appointment tomorrow.  He then has to get his finances in order.

I did reach out to my sister and leave her a voicemail about my visit, but we are still estranged.  However, I will see her tomorrow and apologize.   I have not heard from my brother.