Covid changed me

I have changed this past covid year.  Social and mainstream media, commercials on radio and TV weigh heavily upon me--a great burden causing depression.  I have developed a phobia about riding and no longer ride.  I listen to music on cassettes and cds.  I take flower orders over the phone and  help with curbside delivery.  I shop at the department store.  I babysit my grands.  I just started attending church services after almost a year.  There are no hymnals, the music and lyrics are on my smartphone., I walk my old dog.  I clean up the yard.  I visit with my two local adult children.  I play a golf game on the PS4 a couple times a week.  I cook dinner, serve and clean up after.  I work out virtually with my sister and daughter once a week and by myself the other days.  I wasn't exercising as often as  I needed and just today did cardio and resistance bands.  I am doing just fine.  Every one of my orchid plants is in bloom.  One is struggling because the poor baby was thrown in the garbage at work and then knocked over by my cat at the house.  The green shoots of bulb plants are coming up under the protective leaves from the fall.  I am purging and spring cleaning.  I am going to spruce up my daughter's bike and ride it about the city,.  I am going to camp a few times this summer..  The sun is warm through the window.  Yes, I am fine.

Riding

 I went to the farm today to ride.  I had to take a hiatus from riding for a few months to allow healing from surgery so it was my first riding lesson in forever. My riding lesson tonight was not too brilliant.  I am so unsure of myself!  I have a new riding instructor and she had me ride a huge horse I have never ridden before.  I didn't know which pads, shims, saddle, girth or bridle to use nor how long to make the stirrups.  I felt so needy.  I walked Grey, did some 2 point exercises, managed to trot a couple steps.  My teacher asked if the lesson was okay.  I wish the lesson had gone better.  Oh well.  Lifestyle changes to lower my weight and cholesterol and keep heartburn away are in process and quite successful.  The purpose is to avoid cholesterol medication.  I watch what I eat, do cardio and some strength/toning/firming.  

A few days to relax

 My brother is going camping in a week and has invited me to join him.  I decided to drive out to the state park next Saturday and spend a few days.  I invited my sister and her husband to visit some evening.  I cleared my schedule.  I am taking the pop-up tent trailer.  I texted my brother about helping with set up.  I can't back the trailer up and don't want to run over anything.  Since I am leaving from work, I need to find a place to park the car and trailer. At the park, I hope to go out in my brother's boat, ride my bike and gather information and dates of camping trips taken in my lifetime.  I'm hoping my brother has photos of my children camping with their cousins.  I would like to figure out years our friends from Missouri camped with us.  Once the research is done, I want to make a book of all my camping adventures.  I began camping when I was 10 months old.  I hope my husband and the animals do okay while I am gone.  I need to stop this worrying about everything.

Relaxation

Last weekend my husband, adult children and their spouses or partners, grandchildren and granddogs met at a state park on the west side of the state, on Lake Michigan.  Unlike the holidays, we relaxed at the beach, grilled burgers and brats and sat around the fire.  The weather was perfect...it rained maybe three drops.  My husband, son, daughter and her husband played a round of golf.  It was a nice reprieve from the covid, politics and riots.  I feel peaceful and ready to attempt a healthier lifestyle.

Yesterday

I had a tough day yesterday!  Someone had left two boxes of vases by the front of the store.  I emptied the boxes.  One was wet from rain, so I decided to throw the box on the trash.  As I walked toward the dumpster   a heavy duty wrecker came beating toward me.  The driver saw me and steered away and my heart pumped away.  I came back into the store and my phone rang.  My brother called to tell me that our aunt, Dad's sister, passed away the night before.  I didn't know that a couple weeks ago she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  She was funny and loving and I miss her.  I drove to the farm for a riding lesson.  The horse dragged me into a stall to turn around
Greenie that I am I thought she wanted to eat but she wanted to be in the aisle facing the other way.  I practiced 2 point and trotting over ground poles.  It was a circus.  Rider and stallion practicing reining, 2 other students and horses having a lesson.  Bit unnerving for my instructor and me.  I told my teacher that I had some time off and would enjoy camping with the horses at a nearby equestrian camp.  She laughed and said it sounded like a lot of work.  My friend took a photo of my horse and me, but unfortunately I pressed a combination of buttons which cleared the phone to factory specifications.  I spent last night and today resetting the phone and saving photos.  As far as the virus....I had thought our state was safe, but after 34 people tested positive after having a drink in a bar. I know that I need to remain vigilant.

Happy Father's Day

Neither my husband's father nor my father is alive.  Yet we have happy memories in our hearts of  camping trips, holiday activities and special talks.  Tomorrow we celebrate.  We celebrate all those who are acting as a father.  My family  is gathering to share a meal and give my husband a surprise or two.  We will give our son-in-law a card and gift too.  In this year of the virus, my family is looking forward to Dad's Day.  We are looking forward to sharing a meal and making happy memories to replace the sad memories of the virus.  And I will be remembering those families who are grieving the loss of a father or who cannot be together.

Making appointments

As the state opens, my husband and I are trying to catch up with appointments.  Both dogs need their nails clipped, and the mini dachsund needs grooming.  Both my husband and I need our hair cut.  I missed my eye appointment a year ago and had a long visit with my optometrist.  All is well except my astigmatism requires new glasses.  My husband and daughter's dental appointments and my physical were canceled.  The dental appointments were rescheduled but since my physical was canceled three times, I opted for referrals for my yearly mammogram and my once-every-three year dexa scan for osteopenia.  Pop bottles need to be returned and we need a few groceries.  Riding lessons have started.  We are all in a similar situation.  I try to remain positive and cheerful an

Doing the best I can

I went grocery shopping the other day, and as I pushed my cart up to the next marked square in the check out line, the woman in front of me said "6 feet!"  From then on I made sure I was way back from her.  Perhaps it took all her courage to go to the grocery store and she was feeling deep fear.  So if I could help her by staying far away, I would do it.  I've noticed that very few people want to chat.  They seem deep inside their heads.  Today I walked the dogs and actually was able to say hello to a couple and acknowledge the beautiful day.  My husband has been sad and I recognize that he has his reasons to be down.  He has had a wracking cough for 16 days.  He has been confined to the house.  I can tidy the house, make dinner, chat with him, but I can't turn back the clock to pre COVID days.  I am trying to be non judgmental.   Few people have been through a pandemic before and we are all doing the best we can.

My timeline

Certainly as I celebrated Christmas with my family, I wasn't thinking COVID-19.  We were redecorating the house.  We had carpenters, painters and carpet installers.  I was hoping that the work would be finished by Christmas, but it wasn't.  With all that was happening at home,  I missed any announcement about the mysterious pneumonia that was killing people in China.  However I was somewhat familiar with coronavirus when I read about the death of Dr. Li Wenliang on February 7.  I remember offering a prayer for three stranded cruise ships in early February.  For a year, my sister, niece, daughter and I had planned to attend the Philadelphia flower show in late February and early March.  The first positive New York case was discovered that weekend.  I returned home and the governor closed bars, restaurants and casinos and later issued a shelter in place order.  So now with lots of time on my hands, I read every scientific article to try to make sense of this disease.   What is coronavirus?  How does it affect the human body?  Where did the virus originate?  When will the virus disappear?  Will we develop herd immunity?  I read an excellent article in The Atlantic authored by Ed Yong about how the pandemic will end.  The story is evolving.



 

Chatted with my sister

I try to call my sister once a week.  We talked about the anger people feel because they can't purchase their plants and seeds at the local garden centers.  She can't understand why people are angry.  Sometimes I feel angry.  Yes, I am very very grateful and most of the time I am content during the lockdown, but to be honest sometimes I am angry.  I also realized that I am not trusting of elected officials.  The lockdown and purchase prohibitions remind me too much of the novel 1984.  I am not optimistic that life will return to anything like normal any time soon.  It's surreal because I don't know anyone that has or had COVID.  COVID is an unseen enemy that has turned my life upside down.  I have seen the YouTube video by Dr. Vong explaining that the virus is not media hype and how it kills.  During this trying time, I acknowledge people's feelings--grief, anger, fear, loneliness because people are going through different and conflicting feelings.

Video doctor appointment

Today I called the clinic about my husband's cough.  The nurse arranged a video call with a doctor.  The doctor diagnosed the cough as lingering from the flu and prescribed two cough suppressants.  The cough medicine is coming from an online pharmacy.  We are both relieved to know the diagnosis.  Since the beginning of quarantine on March 23, I have been considering purchasing a gaming system.  A gaming system would allow my husband and me to play online games with our children.  I 'm hopeful the games will provide a connection and a distraction.  On Christmas we all played video games as a family and had a great time.  So today I ordered the system and it is scheduled to arrive by Monday.  I am watching videos to learn how to set the system up and how to purchase the games and play online.    I walked my little mini dachsund a few days ago and she broke a front claw.  It was so painful that for the last few days I had to leave her in the backyard while I walked our puggle.   Today she was able to walk with us.

Candle of hope

A gentle rain is falling.  I hear it on the roof and it comforts me after a tough day.  It's day 10 of my husband's illness.  I have been cooking, serving, cleaning, steeping tea and shopping for groceries.  It started with a flu, then a cough and the cough has now become bronchitis.  I am out of patience, not physically tired, just finished with this illness.  Since my children are all quarantined  we set up an Easter zoom meeting, but my husband played with all the tablet buttons throughout the meeting.  And technology is not a substitute for a warm hug from my children and grandchildren.  I am searching for connectedness.  Perhaps playing a video game with my husband, once he gets medicine for his cough, or playing an online game in real time with my son and daughter.  In spite of the quarantine and my husband's cough, he and I celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary with a wonderful meal.  I saw a photo of Pope Francis lying prostrate praying and I think I should do the same.  Knock, knock, knock on Heaven's door praying that the virus will go away, the sick will be healed, the grieving will be comforted.  Our parish priest suggested that I place a candle in the window--a candle of hope.

Quarantined 'til April 30

As expected, the governor announced quarantine until April 30.  She announced other restrictions too.  Also working to discover why Black communities have more COVID cases than the rest of the state.  I'm not even going to conjecture when and in what form that I'll go back to work.  My husband still coughs but he has no breathing difficulties and eats well.  He worries about the economy.  He feels angry and frustrated.  I recognize his feelings but there I little I can say to help him feel differently.  I read an article written by a psychologist and she wrote that there are three responses to the bear--fight, flight and frozen.  I act frozen.  I can't pray, not really.  I can't lose myself in fiction novels (which I love), I lost my momentum to follow online exercise.  I can pray the rosary, holding onto the beads like they're a physical ladder to Heaven, I sing and play music but I cry, I write to express my feelings but tears run down my face and I use my tee to dry them.  I walk the dogs tho yesterday my little mini dachsund broke a claw down to the quick.  So it was a slow walk in the wind and cold.  I hoed my garden and saw sprouts which signify hope.  I clean and cook and play electronic games and every so often chat with someone on my cell.  I devour scientific information about COVID.

Sick husband but don't think it's COVID

Last Thursday, my husband said he didn't feel well.  He had a low fever and cough.  He is eating well.  I have spent the last few days taking care of him.  I make meals, bring him tea with honey and water to try to curb his cough 😷.  On the positive side, he eats well and breathes fine.  I don't think he has COVID.  He might have influenza A or B.  I watch him because he is 75 years old.  I'm not physically exhausted but I am tired of nursing him and bored.  He grumbled at me a couple times yesterday because he is frustrated with the cough.  Tonight I felt pent up but cooking dinner and watering the plants eased the feeling.  I'm sure we will be in quarantine at least 'til April 30 and I am trying to adjust to the new situations as best I can.

Lockdown

Today marks one week in lockdown.  I have been sheltering in place except for a walk with the dogs around the school fields most every day.  I have been grieving the loss of Lenten and Easter services, work at the flower shop and watching my three year old and five month old grandchildren grow up.  I react to trauma with what I call a "deer in the headlights" response.  I am frozen in place.  Like most people dealing with trauma, I have happy stretches of time and windows of time when I feel sadness.  Music is an important part of my life, but I only began to sing again three days ago. This morning I got out my lap dulcimer after not playing for ages.  I had to read how to tune the dulcimer because I had forgotten.  I try to use our food and paper products in the most efficient way possible, that is, absolutely no waste.  I have roasted a turkey, fashioned turkey croquettes, and a Dutch apple pie with graham cracker crust.  The baby wasn't here to eat bananas and they overripened.  I used them to make banana bread.  I have been sorting in the basement.  I talk to my husband and we watch TV and he paints on his tablet and I play word games on my tablet.  I am so grateful for the  company of my animals and for this journal as I cope with completely new and life changing circumstances.

Yin Yoga

On Sunday, I left early to find the yoga studio.  I walked around the mall to pass the time.  I spotted the unit that was formerly our flower shop.  Sadly it is now used as a storage unit for a cafe.  I hadn't been back in 13 years or so.  I chatted with another student and she explained how to sign in on the computer.  I stored my coat in a cubby, changed into my yoga socks and went into the studio.  I was observing while all the other yogis were deep in stretches or meditation.  I did well...knew most of the poses.  Infrared lighting heated the room to 88 degrees.  The instructor did not demonstrate, the instructions were verbal.  I am a visual/verbal learner.  Fortunately, I was familiar with most of the poses.  We sit or lie in yin yoga poses.  At the end, the instructor read a contemplative piece.  I felt calm and relaxed.  I have a gift certificate from my daughter and her husband for three more classes.  I considered taking more classes after I use the certificate but the classes are expensive.  I spend money on riding lessons too.  So last night I bought a restorative yoga book to continue practicing yoga after the money on the gift certificate is gone..

The next step--exercise!

I feel good about the food part of my life change to address acid/GERD.  GERD is such an ugly word!  I prefer fresh meat, fish, fruits and vegetables because they are lower in sodium..  I'd like to bake tomorrow and freeze portions so that I have meals to take to the flower shop..  I appreciate the taste of foods so much more now.  The next step is to organize my exercise program.  The purpose of these lifestyle changes is to feel better.   My daughter and her husband gave me a yoga certificate for Christmas.  Realizing that I would be more likely to attend, I signed up for a class tomorrow  evening.  The days are getting longer and driving north of the city should be easier.  I also enrolled for a trial week of online exercise videos.  I have exercised with these videos before and by enrolling I have more access to them.  Cost per year is $50 at the end of the trial.  The trainer offers a variety of workouts at different levels.  For now I will participate in a workout every day,   take a yoga class on Sunday and ride on Tuesday.  After I use the money on the gift certificate, I am considering online yoga vIdeos.  I might implement a walking program if I can walk fast enough.  I haven't been getting my heart rate high enough for walking to have any benefit.  I am learning what  works by trial and error.

GERD is an individual problem

I have been researching acid relux/GERD for a couple years now.  At first I sought relief for a very sore esophagus.  The pain did not go away until my nurse practitioner suggested an over the counter acid reducer.  I continued to eat cakes and pastries and chocolates which of course aggravated the relux problem.  The other day I decided that the goodies weren't worth the pain they caused.  I needed to become proactive and do something.  Professionals agree that fat puts pressure on the stomach and causes reflux/GERD.  I decided to lose 25 pounds so that I will be a healthy weight.  I have to eliminate certain foods, delicious foods--chocolate, cakes, muffins, pastry, citrus fruits, spicy vegetables, flavored teas from my diet because  these foods cause pain.  I can enjoy unbreaded meat and fish, most vegetables, berries, cheese, milk and water.  I am adding strength training, yoga, riding and walking to my daily schedule.  My relux/GERD problem is unique to me and consequently so are the solutions.  For years I was searching for an easy solution but there isn't one.  I have to devise a plan that works for me, one step at a time.

Change Update

I was not bothered by heartburn as much yesterday. I took 2 antacid pills and throughout the course of the day and eve, 4 antacid tablets.  I do not want to take many antacid tablets as they contain dextrose and that brings other problems.  I will manage this heartburn.  I am grateful for the variety of foods that I can eat.  I am so happy that I can enjoy a couple cups of air-popped popcorn with a smidgeon of  butter as a treat.  I did act kindly, patiently and gently with my husband when I returned from work.  I felt a bit of concern because he couldn't remember the month of our cruise and had forgotten the plot of a movie that he had seen before.  And his mood seemed a bit depressed.  Perhaps we can go see the Mr. Rogers movie or go out to eat.   Last year was our first family reunion with all the children, their spouses, partners, grandchildren, grand dogs and adopted family members.  Fourteen of us enjoyed the beauty of Lake Huron.  Some family went golfing; others visited Mackinac Island.  This year's family reunion requires sandy dunes and Lake Michigan.  I checked out one State Park but there were only 2 sites available for the dates and the sites were not together.  So I made reservations for two sites together at a different State Park 26 miles south of the original. 

Changes

My 28 year old niece has a long list of foods that she cannot eat.  Two days ago, I joined her on a restrictive diet.  I am tired tired tired of daytime and nighttime heartburn, heartburn when I bend over and put on my shoes and socks, heartburn when I feel stressed.  I am taking control over this heartburn.  As soon as I can, I am going to participate in a yoga class to help me feel centered.  I will be proactive in my relationship with my spouse.  He is profoundly hard of hearing.  It is not his fault and I need to laugh at the misunderstandings.  I need to approach this relationship with gentleness, kindness and patience.  We need to do something special at least once a week so that he knows he is loved and appreciated.  I suspect that I inherited some social anxiety from my dad.  I try to draw close to people but then draw back out of fear.  I am grateful for work friends, church friends and my sister.